In January of this year, I began to miscarry our first child — our angel baby. Tomorrow is what would have been my due date. I can’t help but think of what this month would have been like. Preparing the nursery and making sure everything is just right. Packing a hospital bag. The fear and happiness of knowing baby is coming. Going to the hospital. Getting to hold our first child. Seeing the look on my husband’s face as he realizes he is a dad. Watching family members hold our precious little one. So many would-have-beens.
This is my letter to our baby in Heaven, our child who we lovingly call Little Dumplin.
Dear Little Dumplin,
It’s been seven months since we lost you, and do you know I still miss you? I hardly knew you. I don’t know if you were a boy or a girl. I don’t know the color of your eyes or if you had your daddy’s nose. I don’t know if you would have been a writer like me or athletic like your dad. There’s so much I don’t know.
But I do know that you were equal parts me and the man I love with all my heart. I know that you had a soul created by God. I know that you were special and precious. Most of all I know that I loved you with everything within me. You were a part of me and that’s something I can never forget.
I desperately wish there was something I could have done. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you, couldn’t save you. I would have done everything possible to keep you. I begged God to let you stay.
But sweet baby, for whatever reason, that was not the plan. As much as I miss you and want you here with me, I am so glad to know you are in Heaven with your Father and so many great grandparents. I know that you are safe and happy and loved there. You are loved here, too, little one. Your daddy and I still love you and miss you every day. We will never forget you.
January 7 will always be a special day to me. The day I found out about you. January 22 will always be a hard day for me. The day I lost you. And August 20 is a day I will never forget. The day you would have arrived. I will remember you on these days my Little Dumplin. I will hold them in my heart the way I hold you in my heart.
Someday, I will meet you and hold you and kiss you. Until then, I’ll let Jesus hold you and kiss you.
With all my love,