Once for my birthday, some of my relatives bought me a journal. I took this journal with me when I moved away to college. My first entry was in September 2007. It’s a pretty depressing entry about how I have no friends at college. (Thankfully, that changed) From there, I filled those pages with my handwriting — releasing my emotions into words with ink. I’ve filled those pages with updates and thoughts and feelings. I’ve talked about what I did over the weekend to who I want to go on a date with even though they don’t know I exist. I’ve wrote countless prayers in that journal. I’ve cried tears onto those pages. And I’ve documented my last five years — all of my college days and a full year of “real life.”
Today, I finished that journal. I wrote on the very last pages, filling in that book with scribbles only I have read. (Unless someone was sneaky and read it behind my back, in which case, shame on you.) After finishing that book and closing the cover, I decided to share my last entry with you guys. I’m not sure why, I just feel like I should. So I guess for those of you who have always wanted to read someone’s diary, here you go — a little glimpse into my journal where I reveal all my deep dark secrets! Except really, it’s just a final chapter of my last five years.
The Final Chapter of My Last 5 Years
8-31-12
It is the last day of August, one year after I started college. My journal is coming to an end. This would be the weekend I would have moved in to my first dorm – scared and excited. I had no idea what was ahead for the next five years.
I made new best friends. I crushed on lots of boys, went on some dates with quite a few boys and fell in love with one very special boy. I cried countless tears from death, tragedy and heartbreak. I traveled to Ohio, Chicago, California, Virginia, Florida, Colorado, Tennessee and Costa Rica. I experienced Night of Thrills, a hot air balloon ride, mission trips, holidays, the zoo, camp, photo shoots and leadership opportunities. I held multiple jobs such as babysitter, newspaper editor, peer mentor, copy editor and reporter. I received a college degree. I made way too many mistakes. I learned so much. I wrote tons of papers and made lots of pancakes. I hosted parties for birthdays, holidays and just because. And I laughed more than I can even remember.
In the last five years, I’ve had ups and downs, joys and sorrows. And through it all, I’ve grown so much. I’m not just a teenager anymore. I’m no longer a college kid. I think, somewhere in these past five years, I became a woman.
It’s actually kind of overwhelming to realize you’re an adult. While growing up, no one tells you how scary being an adult is. Or maybe they do, but you’re too busy being a kid to listen. It’s most definitely the most scary thing I’ve experienced in my 23 years so far – and I’ve been in a car accident where I could have died. I guess it’s because so much is expected, and I’m scared of not being able to live up to those expectations.
Suddenly, we’re expected to find a really good job, which let me tell ya is hard! We’re expected to live on our own. We’re expected to know how to cook and clean. We’re expected to understand taxes and 401ks and IRAs. We should be financially stable, able to pay off those college loans, pay for rent and gas and food. We should fall in love and get married. It’s expected that we’ll need a babysitter in order to come to our high school reunions. And we’re supposed to know how to be spouses and parents and homeowners. We’re expected to have insurance too.
How can that not be scary? It’s a whole lot of pressure for someone who still feels like a little girl inside, who still calls her mom when she’s sad or relies on her daddy to make her laugh, a little girl that wants to eat ice cream and play dress up and hopes someday a prince charming will come make her feel like the princess she is.
I imagine this is how every adult felt at some point in life. I’m sure I am no different.
In the last five years, I learned, I grew and I became more of who God created me to be. God challenged me, comforted me, healed me, spoke to me, confused me (ha!) and brought me joy and peace.
I imagine the next five years to be the same. I hope to grow even more in my walk with God and become more of the woman He created me to be. He’s never left my side, so I have no reason to be so scared of adulthood. I imagine God will do some pretty awesome things in my next five years.
I was going to make a list of things I wanted to happen in the next five years. You know how I love lists! But the thing with lists is I get all crazy if I can’t complete them. It’s the perfectionist in me, the OCD pumping through my blood. So instead, I’m just going to live. I’ll trust that God will do what is best for me.
I’m sure in the next five years, He’ll allow more heartbreak in order for me to grow. But He’ll also be right here to bring me healing, comfort and peace. I’m sure I’ll question Him and maybe even be mad at Him. But I bet I’ll also thank Him a lot and rely on Him a ton.
So have at it God. I’m just going to trust you and keep living. You already know the list in my heart anyways. Give me what you want, what’s best for me, and change the other things on my list to match the ones on Your list.
There you have it – last journal entry. You’ve been good to me buddy. Thanks for letting me get all my feelings out. Goodbye Journal. Bring on the next one.
And with that, I closed the book, saw the red ribbon sticking out of the book and realized, for once, that ribbon didn’t have a place to lay. With any goodbye comes sadness. Closing this chapter/this journal brings me tears. I guess because it’s like closing the last five years. That chapter is over, yet it had brought me so much happiness and so many cherished memories.
All I can do though is thank God for those years and words that filled the book, close it, put it away, and pull out the next journal — empty with clean, white pages ready to be filled with memories and questions and feelings and tears and jokes and emotions.
So here I am, finishing one beloved chapter and beginning another …
Would you like to learn more about me? Check out my About Page.
Tiffany – Thank you for opening up your journal and sharing with us. It is hard sometimes to share your deepest feelings and thoughts, but when we do, we often find others have experienced the same feelings. My mom once told me when I was sad because a chapter of my life was closing that every stage of your life is a good stage, a new stage, and a growing stage. I, too, didn’t want to write my last page of that part of my life. But I did. It was scary and although I still miss that stage of my life at times, my mom was right that this stage is good too. Think of it as a new adventure! 🙂 Anyway, thank you for sharing and it will be wonderful to watch what God has planned for your next journey in this life. Happy writing…
Thanks designmom! I am looking forward to all God has in store for the next five years. I’m sure it will be quite the adventure!