I’ve been sharing with you the things I wrote during the worst eight months of my life — when the man who is now my husband and I had broken up. My heart was broken (as was his), we weren’t talking, and the only things I could do to lessen the pain was to pray and to write.
With Valentine’s Day coming up, I know there are others out there who are hurting with the thoughts of hearts and love. For those people, I’m sharing these writings to hopefully spread some sunshine during such a dark time.
This is the fourth installment of A Glimpse into my Heart Break. Be sure to read the other installments Waiting for Morning, Ways to Mend a Broken Heart, and Healing Playlist.
A New Season: Goodbye to Winter
There’s a large part of me that doesn’t want to write this post. Mostly because I don’t want to be honest and open and vulnerable and real. I don’t want people to know how weak I am or to see the struggles I’ve been going through. I’d rather write nothing at all and convince everyone how strong I am, how everything is under control and good and fine.
But God has always placed it on my heart to take off the mask so others wearing masks can do the same, and together we can lift one another up into God’s love and comforting peace. So here goes nothing.
If you’ve read my blogs from December-February, then you know I went through a break-up. A devastating one. We broke up in December. And then for three months, I made a whole lot of mistakes.
See, we talked off and on during those months and it seemed like we might get back together. There were ups and downs, good news and bad news, and I was constantly back and forth about how I felt — happy, sad, happy, sad, hopeful, devastated, hopeful, devastated … and it was exhausting.
Honestly, it felt like torture. I was weary and emotionally drained. Eventually, I just needed to know one way or another. And that’s when I read the words I had dreaded for three months. It was over. He didn’t want to get back together. I felt numb at first. Then the tears came — torrents of them. I wept with my mom. I wept with my grandma. And I wept with God.
But after a few days of complete sorrow as his words sunk in and the truth became a reality, I eventually felt relief. The torture was over. There was no more questioning or wondering. And I knew the worst was over. It couldn’t hurt anymore than it already did. I knew from then on, it could only get better.
One day, I went for a run to clear my head. And that’s when God revealed all those mistakes I had made during those three months of captivity. And here’s the part I’m struggling to admit and share …
First, I put my hope in that guy. I put my hope in getting back together. When all along, my hope should have been in God alone. I can’t put all my hope into some human being who makes mistakes, who messes up, who is a sinner, who can hurt me. And I can’t put all my hope into my circumstances. I can’t put my hope into a healed relationship that could fall apart. If we put our hope in worldly things, our hope will soon vanish. Our hope should be built on God alone — the One who doesn’t make mistakes, who doesn’t mess up, who won’t fall apart, who won’t hurt us ever. My hope should have been in God’s love for me, in His plan for me, in His will, His peace, His comfort and joy.
Second, (and this goes right along with #1) I gave that guy complete control over my happiness. Basically, I put handcuffs on myself and threw him the key. I was stuck in darkness and sorrow, pain so heavy and thick I felt chained up. And I told myself, and regretfully him, that he was the only one who could change that, the only one who could stop my crying, unlock the handcuffs and set me free. Man, I feel like such a fool as I confess this mistake. What was I thinking? Handing the power of my happiness over to someone else? Someone so human? Someone who had already hurt me? No wonder God’s plan didn’t include us getting back together.
Obviously, I have a whole lot to work on and figure out before I can be ready for a forever relationship. And how much pressure is that for one person to be in complete control of someone else’s happiness? That’s not how a relationship should work. And I thought I knew this, and yet, obviously I didn’t know it enough to actually do it. Two people should be complete and content in their relationship with God before they can be ready for a healthy relationship with one another.
So here I am — still making mistakes and screwing things up. Still being a weak human being who needs God more than she even knows.
But guess what? Those three months … they are over. I’m letting go of that guy and the future I had planned for us. I’m letting go of those dreams I desperately clung to. I’ve been forgiven for those mistakes I made, and I’m asking God to change me, improve me, mold me, lead me.
That season of sorrow I was drowning in — it’s transitioning into a season of healing and freedom. I can see the trees budding, and before I know it the flowers will bloom. Winter is over. Spring is here. And that means less crying and more laughing, less sadness and more joy. I know God has new adventures ahead. And I want to be a part of them.
So goodbye winter. Goodbye pain. Goodbye season of sorrow.
Hello spring. Hello healing. Hello season of freedom.
What Spring Brings
I am transitioning into a new season. But for those readers who are also looking ahead to a new season, there’s something you need to be aware of.
When we go from winter to spring, it gets warmer and sunnier. The trees begin to bud and we start to see flowers blooming. But spring always brings rain.
This new season is not going to be easy or perfect. You aren’t going to feel strong and happy every day. There will be times when you cry again. There will be hard days, really really hard days. And even at times, it may feel like the rain is never going to stop.
Yes, spring brings rain and storms and some gloomy days. Those are the days we have to believe and trust that God will bring the sunshine out again. Because He will. I promise.
This is the last installment of A Glimpse into my Heart Break. After writing this, it took six months before Travis and I began talking again. He worked hard to win me back and we worked out several things we had struggled with in our previous relationship. A month later after we began talking again, we got back together. To read more about our story, read the post Our Story.
Lisa says
Tiffany, I got your card today. Thank you. And this came up on face book today. This was just what I needed today. Thank you for taking your mask off. I know it’s hard to do but I think it’s important to do in helping other people. I was going through the same kinds of things while we were losing our home. I can’t say I have fully recovered but I choose to trust God’s plan. I’m grateful that you chose to let God lead your life. You are an inspiration. So thank you, Tiffany for choosing that path and for allowing God to use you to lift up others and to show them that we aren’t in this alone. Situations may be different but emotions aren’t.
Tiffany says
So true that even in very different situations, our emotions can be very much the same. I’m so glad you got my card! I sent it a few weeks ago, but it came back after I had the wrong address so I had to resend it. I prayed that it was just because God was getting it to you at the right time! Glad this post an encouragement to you. Praying for you friend!