I just wasn’t feeling the love. If everyone has a love tank, mine was low. And it was making me cranky. I have read about loving your husband, but love was the last thing I was feeling.
It wasn’t my husband’s fault really. Due to military life, I hadn’t seen him in a month and didn’t get to talk to him as much as when he’s home. I wasn’t getting my quality time. Or my words of affirmation. Or my acts of service. Or physical touch. Or gifts. None of the five love languages, and I was feeling it.
The lies began in my mind. “He doesn’t really want to come home.” “He would be texting you more if he really missed you.” “He would have sent you flowers if he really cared.”
I knew I was only feeling this way because my love tank was low. And I knew it wasn’t my husband’s fault at all. I knew deep down he wanted to come home to me just as much as I wanted him to get home. But that didn’t stop me from feeling grumpy. If he took too long to text back, I wanted to lash out. I wanted to say, “Forget it. You don’t really care!”
Loving Your Husband When You Aren’t Feeling It
Thankfully, I’ve read some really great books on marriage and relationships. And I’ve heard some great sermons on being a godly wife. The things I have learned over the years came back to me. I remembered how in one book it told me that I have to give love to my husband even when he doesn’t deserve it. Even when I’m not feeling love, I have to give love.
If I lashed out, it would cause him to lash out, which would cause me to lash out. We would both be hurt and therefore angry at one another. A vicious cycle would ensue and round and round we’d go into a big ugly fight. A fight that would really only be caused by circumstances we can’t change and lies being thrown by Satan.
So this time, instead of throwing angry words and causing a fight, I wrote Travis a big long text telling him how much I loved him and how much I couldn’t wait for him to get home. I went to the grocery store and I bought him a bunch of his favorite foods to have when he got home. I made the choice to love him even though I wasn’t feeling much love.
“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.” — Psalm 141:3
“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus…” — Colossians 2:20
I realized I can’t show Travis love only in hopes of getting love back. These books and sermons have taught me that love isn’t selfish. It’s the exact opposite. Love is selfless. Love is showing someone you care without expecting anything in return.
“When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love. Ultimately, comfort is not the issue. We are talking about love, and love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. Love is a choice.” — Gary Chapman (The 5 Love Languages
)
By loving my husband this way, I am loving Christ.
Our husbands are merely vessels to Christ. We love Christ by loving our husbands. We serve Christ by serving our husbands. Even when our husbands deserve the exact opposite of love, we should love them because that is what Christ has called us to do. It’s an act of obedience.
“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” — Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Love and Respect
)
The great thing about love is it can become a cycle as well. When we pour all our love into our husbands, it changes them. It makes them want to love back.
If we love on our husbands, it would cause our husbands to want to show us love, which would cause us to love him better. We would both feel loved and therefore happy with one another. A virtuous cycle would ensue and round and round we’d go into a healthy marriage!
I know this is something I’m still learning. It’s something I will always have to be striving for, always asking God to help me love my husband the same way Christ loves me — even when my own love tank is low. Because when we speak lovingly to our spouses, no matter how they have spoken to or treated us, we are speaking lovingly to our God who so desperately deserves it.
How have you struggled with loving your husband? In what ways, have you loved him even when you weren’t feeling love in return?
For some great book recommendations to strengthen your marriage, click here. You can also check out my Pinterest board Loving My Hubby.
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This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling lately. We are going through a rough time with the loss of our daughter at 19 weeks gestation, a job loss, plus being 600+ miles from family with no one to help watch our kids. I’ve been feeling very unloved and needy, which is not really like me. Thank you for this encouragement and reminding me that my love shouldn’t hinge on him. I do love my husband and we’ve been through similar situations before, so I know God has this all worked out and is in control. But, it’s difficult to see the one you love going through such a hard time. THANK YOU!!!
Annette @ InAllYouDo recently posted…FREE 31 Days to a Better Marriage ebook
Annette, I’m so sorry for you loss. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be, especially along with all the other things going on in your life right now. I’m glad this was an encouragement for you. I hope that you both can keep showing each other love even when it’s difficult.
Love the new layout!! This is a great reminder and something I struggle with when my negative thoughts get the best of me, but it ALWAYS feels better to choose love. I was once told that feelings of “love” or being “in love” is a cycle, and some days or weeks will feel more love-filled than others, but love will always come back to us when we choose an act of love in return!
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I totally agree Marisa! 🙂
Thank you ENDLESSLY for sharing your lessons and perspective. It has changed my in a single moment. I have been struggling to find peace and a solution for weeks. Christ is HEALER. YOU are one of His angels on earth.
Thank you Caitlin! Wishing you the best in your marriage!
I really appreciated this post Tiffany. I am new to marriage and it seems like it’s brought out all my weaknesses and I’ve discovered how truly selfish I can be when I don’t think about it and focus on being a Godly wife to my husband. I have the most incredible husband in the world (truly!), and am so blessed that he has been patient with me every time I have slipped up. This post has really been an inspiration and a challenge to me to show my husband how much I love him, and prove that I mean what I say. In this case, I definitely believe that words aren’t enough; if I’m not backing it up by my actions, then the words become meaningless. The scripture verses were such a bonus.
Sarah, I’m so glad this post was an encouragement to you. Congrats on your new marriage. I hope that you can both put your focus on Christ and build a firm foundation. The only way we can get through our struggles in this messy life and still maintain a strong marriage is with God.
This was just the inspiration and support I needed to find today! I stumbled across your blog while googling ideas for how to deal with an empty love tank. You definitely are my sunshine today – I can’t wait to explore the rest of your blog for more inspiration!
Wow, thank you so much Angela! That was definitely something I needed to hear today! I hope that love tank of yours gets filled up!
We have read many books also and been in marriage classes and counseling for almost 2 years. That advice sounds great and i know it is what God wants. My transformation began @ 2 years ago with christ. I am closer to God now than ever but further from my husband. He once professed to be a follower of Christ but has since lost faith. He is angry and doesn’t believe his prayers for me were ever going to be answered. Now i am changed and he cannot accept God’s timing. There are other factors such as affairs long ago and in recent past for both. Praying everyday for reconciliation but my love tank has been empty for at least 2 years. God is my strength but i long to hear those 3 little words from my husband or to know i am desired by him.
Christy, I’m so sorry to hear that your love tank is empty and your marriage is struggling. But I am very happy to hear you have found Christ. Put your hope in Him. Your husband spent all those years praying for you, and now it seems it’s your turn to pray for him. I hope that God can bring healing and reconciliation for you both so that your love for one another can grow stronger than ever before.
Lord, please be with Christy today. Give her strength to keep loving her husband even when it’s really hard. I pray that you will redeem their marriage. Make it whole and new again. Give them a new love for one another. I pray that her husband can find his faith in You again. Thank you for giving me this space to encourage others. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
How do you get through it? You never said how you felt afterwards, only that you had to ask for guidance to love your husband the way you feel Christ loves you. I have had the similar “low on fuel int he love tank” experience, and expelling more love wears me right out, just like being in large groups of people wears me out as an introvert as well.
In all honesty, we’re not married. We’re not christians. We’re not interested in getting married or becoming christians. The marriage part will probably happen one day, if I ever get over my fear of it, but I have found religion, and christianity is not the religion for me (or my boyfriend).
Do you have any non-faith based ideas to help someone who needs love in order to give it? I am usually okay. I know my limits and stay within them. I care so much for those around me (My boyfriend, my best friend-who currently lives with us because she can’t settle down-haha, my mom, and other family members) that sometimes, I feel like I’m neglecting myself in order to be there for them-in love, in companionship, in mental support, financially, etc.
How can I be certain that I’ll be okay once I hit empty? Obviously without the religious undertones please.
I can understand if you cannot answer this without religion, but if you can’t, can you please recommend someone who possibly could? Thanks in advance.
Ali,
I really respect you for commenting on here knowing this is a faith-based post and being honest about your own beliefs. I’m struggling to give you a real and honest answer without sounding pushy toward Christianity. I hope you will respect my reply even though our beliefs may not match up.
First of all, I think it’s incredibly important for you to take care of yourself. It’s like on an airplane when they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others. You need to be able to breath in order to help others breath. And that goes for any type of love, help, companionship, financial situation, etc. If you are feeling empty because you are giving too much of yourself, perhaps it’s time to slow down or take a day to yourself (alone since you are introvert). Do whatever it is you need to do to refuel — go for a walk, paint, write in a journal, go to the movies, read a book, etc.
Second, and here’s the part you might not like or agree with, I believe that without Christ in your life you actually won’t be OK once you hit empty. For me personally, I’ve been through some pretty tough stuff in this life — things I haven’t shared on this blog because they are too personal — and I know that if I didn’t have my faith and my God as my comforter and savior, that I would not have made it through. I would not have been OK. I would have been empty. But because of Him and my relationship with Christ, I will never be empty because He is always refilling me. It’s like a pitcher full of ice cold water. He fills me up with love and encouragement and joy and peace … in order that I can be poured out for others to help fill them with love and joy and encouragement and peace. From one pitcher to the next — life-giving water.
I hope that makes sense, and I hope it didn’t seem pushy. Because my religion is such an integral part of my life, it’s hard for me to answer honestly without including it. I am still working on loving my husband even when I don’t feel loved. It is incredibly difficult at times, and super easy other times. But I keep pushing through and so does he. I hope your love tank will begin to be filled!
This only works if you are not married to an addict. If you are married to an addict it doesn’t matter how much selfless love you show them, they will never change until they give up their addiction. Addicts will only take from you and never give UNLESS they enter recovery and then MAYBE you have a chance.
Thank you for mentioning this Kate. That is very true, I’m sure. Loving someone when they are not loving is definitely not going to solve any problems when there is addiction or abuse involved. If that is the case, those spouses should be reaching out for help. I hope all those in marriages struggling with these issues will find recovery and healing.
I really needed this today. I asked God just 30 minutes ago to change me into the wife my husband needed because what we have going on is just resistance to each other. And I stumbled upon this. My husband isn’t saved, and being saved doesn’t make you a perfect husband or wife. But this article helped me get my stuff together.
So glad to hear that Elyse! Keep loving him, friend!
This post. I love it.
Thanks Melly! I hope you’ll share it with others!
Thank you for this post- I found you via google and while I understand where your coming from…my husband isn’t overseas. I’m trying hard to love him and show him love but he doesn’t feel the need to communicate love in my love language. He isn’t providing for our family- I have been disabled two years now and he isn’t working- just living off my check and he was supposed to start school up again last year but never bothered. He doesn’t help around the house and I can’t do it all. He tells me I should ‘just not care because it doesn’t bother him’ but it bothers me. I’m from an old school southern Christian family and I don’t understand it. If he doesn’t want to put into the marriage he should just go. I lost my aid because since he’s out of work the program thinks he should be picking up the slack but he won’t. He makes empty promises and I don’t feel loved or respected. I don’t want to fake it but I’m hitting the point where I don’t believe the words of affirmation I’m giving and I don’t want him clinging to me like a toddler- we HAVE a toddler already. How can I continue if I’m not even sure the marriage IS a real marriage anymore? I’m running two years on empty and I’m getting apathetic.
This sounds like a very tough situation. I’m no marriage expert, that’s for sure, but I’d love to throw a few ideas around. Some you may have tried already, but it’s worth sharing. I would suggest sitting down and having a heart-to-heart to with your husband, explaining everything you’re feeling in a loving way where he won’t feel attacked and the need to get defensive. A great way to do this would be with a counselor. I highly encourage marriage counseling. My husband and I went and it helped a ton! I also suggest prayer. Major, down-on-your-knees, desperate prayer — for your husband, your marriage, and even for yourself. Ask God to open your eyes to see your husband in a new way, ask Him to help you love your husband even when you don’t feel like, ask Him to save your marriage. Like I said, I’m not a marriage expert. We are still totally new at this and learning every day. I hope that God can bring redemption to your marriage, and that when you make it over this mountain you will see the beautiful view at the top. I hope that you can someday be a witness to others as to what God can do!