I always thought I was a nice person. Kind. Thoughtful. Great at planning and organizing. I would have definitely described myself as a good Christian girl. I didn’t think of myself as selfish. Not at all.
Until I got married.
In almost 20 months of marriage, I’ve learned a lot about my husband — as I imagined I would. But I never realized how much I would learn about myself.
One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, “Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!” – Gary and Betsy Ricucci
We had a simple yet elegant June wedding, and I’ve never felt more beautiful than that day I said, “I do.” But in the months that followed, I saw myself for who I really am. I found myself being selfish and self-righteous. Sometimes, I’m needy in the most annoying way, and often I react in ways I usually end up apologizing for. I’m more impatient than I ever knew. More often than I’d like to admit, I am just down right ugly at times.
And that’s exactly what marriage does. It lets you get so close and so intimate with another person, that you begin to truly see yourself. Even the ugly parts. You realize just how many pet peeves you have or how much of a control freak you are. You see yourself reacting to things, immediately regretting the words coming out of your mouth.
Sometimes, your marriage can show you just how ugly you really are.
What marriage has done for me is hold up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes, encouraging me to be sanctified and cleansed and to grow in godliness. – Gary Thomas in “Scared Marriage”
The first years of marriage will teach us more about our partner, but they will also teach us much about ourselves. And sometimes, we won’t want to face those things we see in the mirror.
But marriage forces you to become a better person. If you want your marriage to last, if you want to grow together as a couple, and have a healthy relationship, then you are forced to work on these things you learn about yourself. Marriage forces you to see yourself for who you really are and to deal with issues you could otherwise keep hidden deep down in your heart.
If there is one thing young engaged couples need to hear, it’s that a good marriage is not something you find, it’s something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must at times confront, and at other times confess. The practice of forgiveness is essential. – Gary Thomas in “Sacred Marriage”
At some point in your marriage, usually within the first year or two, the real work begins. The struggles start. You look in the mirror and see the ugly.
You have to start confronting and confessing, apologizing and forgiving. You have to be intentional about serving and speaking life. You have to recognize the ways you tear your spouse down — intentionally or not — and you have to work on building each other up instead.
If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there’s no question– stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can’t imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you’d never have to face otherwise. – Gary Thomas in “Sacred Marriage”
Each day of your marriage is a day where you can face your character issues — look ugly right in the face — and choose to be more like Jesus. As you begin to work on these matters — facing the struggles head on and overcoming them together as one marriage unit — the ugly in the mirror will begin to fade.
For the more you become like Jesus, the more beautiful and radiant you become.
There’s an affiliate link just ahead. This post was inspired by the words I read in the book “Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy
Be sure to read more of my marriage posts here and follow my Pinterest board “Loving My Hubby.“
Great post, Tiffany! I have that book. Need to read it. 🙂
Melissa @ A Virtuous Woman recently posted…Love Notes for Your Husband & HUGE Giveaway!!
Yes, you should! 🙂
Tiffany this is a great post! Thank you so much for being so open and genuine in your perspective. I felt the same way shortly after being married. I started to realize all of the ugly things about myself that only my spouse sees and the same goes for him. We’ve been able to identify the things about ourselves that we need to work on and we’ve been able to grow together into better people and better Christians. I really loved this post. Great job!
Ashley LaMar recently posted…What To Buy Your Wife for Valentine’s Day
Thank you so much Ashley! I think it’s something we all probably go through, so I felt it was a good topic to write on. Marriage has definitely shown me so many thing I need to work on. I want to be the best wife I can be, and the best version of myself!
Thank you thank you for speaking truth to my life!! I feel the same way and 100% agree on all of your points! This is a great post!
Marisa recently posted…Rest Easy.
Thank you Marisa! And thanks for sharing this post on Facebook!
This is something that I have thought a lot about, but I have never put into words. Thank you for voicing a sentiment that I could not articulate myself, and thank you for showing me I am not the only one. We follow a pretty loving, and creative God, don’t we? He knows what’s best for our growth in the long run. I am getting married this summer, and looking forward to continuing that journey with my fiance.
Bethany M. recently posted…Valentine’s Day Gifts For Him–for All Five Love Languages!
I feel like so many of us feel this way and go through this, so I’m glad I could get it into words so we can all know we’re not alone. I wish you both the best in your upcoming marriage!
I wish all spouses could see themselves as you do in the mirror of their marriage. Most people tend to blame the MIRROR. A man who had a bad attitude and behaves in a ugly way might blame his wife for his lack of control. “She makes me so mad!” he might say.
Men and women who are brave enough to look at themselves honestly will have the happiest marriages, while those who deny their own issues will soon find themselves looking at a wall instead of a mirror.
I went through this myself. After 13 years, I had to take an honest look at myself, to see how what “I” was doing was hurting our marriage. We both did.
David Bibby recently posted…Why do Men Fear their Wives?
Exactly David! And you know this is something that I am constantly having to remind myself. I have to work on praying that God will work on ME and make ME a better wife, rather than praying that God will change my husband or my circumstances.
Wow, this is a beautifully written and powerful message that everyone needs to know, single and married alike. Thank you for sharing!
Bree recently posted…Fairy Tale Faith
Awesome post! We just celebrated 5 years together and 4 years of marriage in January. I have never had my most challenging year seeking and cultivating the ugly in myself than this year.
This post is great. I wish everyone knew how much work marriage is. It isn’t always happy and rainbows. Great marriages are made in the struggles we go through and still hold on and fight. I will have to check out this book and put it on my wish list! <3
Congrats on your anniversary Rebecca. You should definitely get this book!