What God Said to Me at Allume 2015

A couple weeks ago I attended Allume. When someone asks me what Allume is I always say, “a blogging conference.” But Allume is so much more than that. Yes, I learn a little bit about how to improve my blog, but this conference is a lot more about my heart than about my space on the Internet.

Last year was my first time attending Allume. I had been longing for community, and Allume gave me a fresh dose of fellowship — just like I had been needing. Last year was all about connecting with others, handing out business cards, and learning as much as I could about blogging.

This year was different though.

I went to Allume feeling worn and empty. I’ve felt a lot of pain in the last couple months due to personal things going on in my life. It was easier to distract myself and avoid the heartache, and that’s what I had been doing a lot of the time.

During the conference, Chrystal Evans Hurst said: 

I think you need to stop so you can have your pain addressed. We have to stop in order to find redemption. Worship is telling God how hurt, how disappointed, and how angry we are. God will be faithful to finish what He started. He loves you too much to leave you where you are. You need to stop and address the pain so He can heal it. We have to look at where we’re broken, acknowledge our bleeding, and let Him heal and mend.

Her words shot straight to my heart. I had some major pain I needed to address, and I couldn’t move forward while I was still bleeding. Another speaker, Austin Channing Brown, also spoke to my heart.

What world problem has been solved by ignoring it? What relationship has been healed by not talking about it? This isn’t an easy road, but you are able — because of God within you.

I spent more time reflecting and in prayer than I did connecting with others this year. It was not what I was expecting when I went to the conference, but I do believe it was exactly what I needed. I needed to hear so many of the words spoken by those attending.

And then Sara Hagerty — one of my favorite authors and speakers … Well, first of all, let me tell you she sat at my dinner table on our first night. I was so excited! Of course, unfortunately, she was also on the exact opposite end of the table and too far away to actually speak to, but hey, I can say, “I had dinner with Sara Hagerty!”

She spoke to us at Allume too. More like God spoke to me through her.

God likes it when I’m weak. He sees us in our hardest, weakest moments. He has things He wants to tell us about ourselves in those moments … He likes us when we’re weak. He whispers to us in the dark, “I see you and I like you.”

I’ve already been asking God to show me love, and He has been. But here He was telling me, “I see you and I like you. I like you even when you are weak — even in your hardest moments.”

I had been planning to skip one of the sessions and just spend time in the prayer room. Then, before the sessions began, the Allume leaders actually invited us to skip the next session and spend time in the prayer room if we had pain we needed to address. It was as if God said, “Please, come spend time with just me for a little bit.”

So I did. I journaled. I prayed. And I cried. A lot.

The Holy Spirit speaks the language of tears. So it’s OK to pray in nothing but tears. – Esther Burroughs

Sara talked to us about how we too often put our value and worth in our blog posts, our Facebook followers, or how others see us. But she said God is the only place where we can find our value and worth. She encouraged us to ask God to tell us who we really are. Ask Him, “How do you see me?”

So I sat in that room and I asked Him that.

And He called me daughter.

Empty, lonely, unworthy me. This girl who has deep longings and desires whose life seems to be heading in the opposite direction. A weak and worn woman.

Even in my darkness, He whispers, “I see you … Daughter, I see you. And I like you.”

Perhaps He’s closing doors for now so we will be alone with Him. Maybe He wants us to learn who we are to Him first. He wants to call you daughter. Maybe He wants us to be comfortable hearing Him call us daughter, becoming confident in who we are in Him … And that will make us better when those doors do open. For when we understand His enjoyment in us, we can enjoy others better. – Sara Hagerty

Allume was not what I expected this year. But God was expecting me. And He was ready to speak to me. In fact, He was excitedly anticipating it. He couldn’t wait for my ears to be open so He could call me daughter. He couldn’t wait for my heart to hear the words, “I like you.” He was waiting for me to address my pain. He was longing for me to spend alone time with Him.

I am broken. I am bleeding. He is healing me.

I am empty. He is filling me. 

I am weak. He is strong.

I feel unworthy. He calls me daughter.

Follow my Pinterest board Encouragement and check out these posts:

• When You’re Right in the Midst of It
• When the Darkness is Overwhelming
• Empty Hands