I didn’t know it was going to be like this. I’ve wanted to be a mom my whole life. When people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, more often than not my answer was “a mom.” Thanks to lots of babysitting throughout my life, I always thought I’d be a good mama. I thought motherhood would come easily.
And then she was born. We left the hospital with our brand new daughter, and suddenly my entire life was different. Not only am I trying to heal and recover from delivering an 8 pound human and getting a fourth-degree tear in the process, but I’m also trying to take care of said human. I didn’t know taking care of someone else — someone who is completely relying on you to survive — would be so exhausting.
Motherhood is Hard.
That first week is a blur.
My expectations were off regarding breastfeeding. I thought it would come naturally. I thought it would be this special bonding experience between my baby and me just like everyone had told me. Instead, it was painful. My nipples completely scabbed over. And the baby wasn’t the only one crying anymore.
After seeing a lactation consultant, it did get better. My nipples have healed and nursing isn’t painful anymore — for the most part anyway. Even after I figured out the latch and positioning, it still wasn’t the bonding experience I had anticipated. I was still dreading feeding time. It felt like that was all I did. There were so many days I just wanted to give up. Breastfeeding is difficult, restricting, and time consuming.
Then there’s the pressure and guilt. I feel like others will look down on me or think less of me as a mother if I stop breastfeeding. There have been so many days I have felt like a failure, like I’m not a good mama. There have been days where I feel like my baby doesn’t like me. It seemed to all come so easily to my husband — someone who hadn’t even changed a diaper before our daughter arrived! How come it felt so hard for me?
There’s also the guilt of knowing others would love to be sleep deprived if it meant they got to have a baby of their own. There are those out there who are suffering from pregnancy or infant loss, those who are dealing with infertility — and here I am complaining about having the one thing they desperately want. And there are people who have much harder complications than what I have. Yet here I am with a healthy baby and tons of support from family and friends. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
My life is now full of changing diapers, swaddling, changing her clothes when she pees or poops on them, burping her, feeding her, rocking her, soothing her, singing to her … I’ve learned that motherhood is giving of yourself. Over and over. With no thanks in return. If the newborn stage wasn’t hard enough, it makes it even harder that your baby can’t tell you what she likes/dislikes, that she appreciates what you are doing. She can’t even smile at you yet.
A friend of mine said, “The newborn stage is hard. All they do is eat, and poop, and need, and take, and they cry if it’s not done fast enough. It’s hard to give everything you have with no gratitude in return.” Exactly.
Add in the hormones and every day is a roller coaster of emotions. I thought I cried a lot during pregnancy, but I cried even more postpartum. Part of it was sleep deprivation too. I didn’t know I could go a whole month with no more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep at a time.
Everyone kept telling me to enjoy the newborn stage. They won’t be this little forever. Savor all these moments. But rather than savor the moments, I was trying to survive them. That’s honestly what the first month of motherhood is — pure survival.
I’m not trying to complain. Or whine. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m just being honest. I didn’t know it would be like this. I had no idea it would be so hard. And I’m sure there are new mamas out there who may feel the same way. I know it helped me to hear someone else was struggling too, to have friends say “Yeah, the newborn stage is no fun!” It takes away the guilt when you know you aren’t alone.
So if you are a new mama who is struggling and just trying to survive — I feel ya, girl. I’m there with ya. Everyone kept telling me it gets better and easier. Sometimes, I had a hard time believing them. But I look back on that first week, and I can see that it did get better. Each week it’s gotten a little better.
After hitting the one month mark, things really began to improve. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where I cry right along with her. Or days where I just want to pass her off to Daddy so I can get a break. But we are getting the hang of breastfeeding and she is beginning to sleep more, which means I get to sleep more. We are finding a routine. I’m beginning to think I can do this. And I know soon the good days will outweigh the bad ones. Maybe there will eventually be more smiles than cries.
New mama, you are not alone. You will survive. We’re in this together. And we can do it.
How did your first month of motherhood go?
Read my daughter’s birth story here!
Thank you so much for your honesty about motherhood! I’m obviously not a mama yet, but a dear friend of mine is, and over coffee she confessed on how tough being a new mama is. She said felt so alone because it seemed like she was the only one struggling when everyone else was doing perfectly fine. So, just know that your post is helping mamas know they aren’t alone– in fact, I sent your link to my friend!
Bailey @ Becoming Bailey recently posted…Monthly Goals {May 2017}
I’m so glad you passed it along to her Bailey! A big part of it is that a lot of people aren’t honest about how hard it is. I’m glad I can be honest so that others can know they aren’t the only ones struggling!
“Add in the hormones and every day is a roller coaster of emotions. […] Part of it was sleep deprivation too. I didn’t know I could go a whole month with no more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep at a time.”
Exactly! I think the sleep deprivation and the fluctuating postpartum hormones wreck havoc on new mothers, our perceptions, and our emotions. I also suspect that as time passes, the memory of the overwhelming moments fade and that is why the difficulties of the newborn stage are not talked about that often or are over-simplified. (Seriously, “Prepare to never sleep again!” is NOT an adequate warning. First-time moms should be warned that sleep deprivation does crazy things to your mind…) Women in general tend to forget the unpleasant details, and with the second, third, etc. child both parents are better prepared for those hormones and sleep depravation.
Our first month was ROUGH. The first week, for me, was kind of like a dream but the rest of the month was challenging. I felt like a failure as a mother almost everyday, I cried almost every day, and I rarely left the house due to exhaustion (physical and mental). I felt like I was on edge and ready to either snap or bawl at anyone who said the wrong thing (but I kept myself in check). We had to learn why our little one cried, we were woefully unprepared for the Week 3 growth spurt, and I had a couple of unexpected physical ailments including clogged milk ducts, blisters, and bleeding nipples due to exclusive pumping.
But it does get easier. Mostly, I believe, it feels easier because the baby is always growing and developing and moving into new stages. Each new stage has its own challenges, but the challenges of earlier stages are resolved or overcome. Also, your confidence as a mom will grow and that makes a huge difference. And the elusive “sleep” does come again! Though it is a little less than before baby, it is enough to function normally and feel rested.
Jacquelyn recently posted…3 Things I Did Not Expect Postpartum
Everything you said — yes! I was shaking my head over and over reading your comment. Yes, yes, yes. I’m so glad we are past the first month, because wow, it was hard!
Be easy on yourself, Tiffany (and all new mothers out there)! You have just been through something major and are still recovering. You’ll be a great mama. Prayers for recovery, sleep, and an easier day each morning. 🙂
Aww thank you!
1st babies are tough. Recovery. Sleepless nights. Nursing. Some of the things that are to come so “natural” just don’t. Plus it is hard to soothe a baby who just wants to use you as a pacifier. ?I look at pictures and I seriously do not remember Jude as an infant and being so small. I was trying to figure it all out and survive. I have found the 4 month mark is the game changer. The best advice to be ever given to a new mom and dad is do whatever gets you through the day and night.
You are doing great, momma! It’s okay to have all the feelings. It really is just part of the journey.
I love the advice to do whatever it is that gets you through. That’s what someone else said to me when I was considering giving up on breastfeeding. I felt so guilty for wanting to give up, and she told me, “If stopping breastfeeding will help you be a better momma, then that’s what you do.” I ended up not giving up, but having her tell me that helped so much! It gave me the freedom to do what I needed.
We are a few months ahead of you. Our little one was born in late December. One thing that was “life changing” forbmebwith breast feeding was figuring out how to feed her laying down in bed. It took some practice but it made things sooo much easier. I wish I would have started so much sooner.
Also, when I started pumping I didn’t have a hands-free bra. When I started using one I begin getting more at each pumping session and I was able to relax a little bit about building my supply and it gave me some confidence to leave her for a few hours.
Yes! Pumping with a hands-free bra has been so helpful! It gives me a break from the constant feedings. My husband can give her a bottle and I can go sleep for awhile. Plus, like you said, it gives me more confidence to leave and be on my own for a little longer.