I have a feeling I’m going to get some flack for this post. But you know what, that’s OK. Because in this space, I’m all about being real. And a lot of times in the hardships of parenthood, or really life in general, we tend to think we are alone. Alone in our feelings, alone in the struggles. But we aren’t. And if we could all just be real and open and honest and even, raw, then maybe others would feel not so alone. Maybe, just maybe, by being open with each other we can push the clouds apart to let the sunshine through.
So here it goes. I’ll say it.
I just don’t really like breastfeeding.
My mom used to always tell me how wonderful breastfeeding was. She would talk about how I would look up at her as a baby and how it was incredibly bonding. She loved every minute of it. So I knew long before children were ever even on my radar that I would breastfeed.
I don’t think I did a lot of research on breastfeeding before giving birth. I did take one breastfeeding class that the hospital offered. I learned a lot, and it seemed pretty straightforward. My only worry was which position I’d use.
Even in the hospital after giving birth, breastfeeding seemed fine. The lactation consultants watched as baby latched and said in the happiest voice, “You look great! Oh, she’s doing so well.” But two days later, we went home. And things went down hill from there.
I wrote about my breastfeeding journey before, so I’ll spare the painful details. But basically, breastfeeding was not all it’s cracked up to be. It hurt. And it was hard. And I hated it. I dreaded nursing.
But I stuck it out. I fought hard to keep going. And eventually, it didn’t hurt. Eventually it did get better.
But you know what, I never started loving it. I bond with my baby when she sleeps on my chest or now that she’s older, when she laughs at my silliness. I have bonded with her just fine and I don’t think it had anything to do with nursing.
Reasons I Don’t Like Breastfeeding
One of the biggest reasons I don’t like breastfeeding is because it makes me feel trapped. I feel like I am on a leash. My baby won’t take a bottle — and believe me, we have tried whatever it is you are about to recommend. She just refuses it. And because of that, I can’t ever be away from her for more than three hours. Yes, three hours is enough time to do many things. I get that. But there are things I’ve wanted to do that I just can’t. Or it makes them very difficult or I just worry the whole time that she might be hungry.
Making plans becomes a complete hassle. This includes plans where the baby is coming with me. That’s because I do not nurse in public. I can’t use a cover. I don’t know how people make it look so easy, but covers make it even more difficult for me and my little one. I am not one to whip my boob out for the whole world. If you do, power to ya! But it’s not for me. That means when we go places, I have to feed her in the car. And as she is getting bigger, that is becoming more and more difficult. So overall, going places and doing things is a hassle. Thus, I end up staying home. A lot.
When we visit family or friends, I have to go into another room to nurse her. This means I miss out on conversations and quality time with people I have driven over four hours to see. It frustrates me.
For the longest time, I also didn’t like it because I couldn’t sleep comfortably. I like to sleep on my side/stomach. My breasts were too tender/sore to sleep on them, which meant I had to sleep on my back. It wasn’t as comfortable for me, and I already wasn’t getting enough sleep due to, you know, living with a baby. Thankfully, now at six months postpartum I’ve been able to sleep in any position.
There are just a lot of things about breastfeeding I don’t like. I don’t like leaking through my clothes. I don’t like trying to figure out what to wear every day because it needs to be nursing friendly. I don’t like dealing with problems like milk blebs and constantly worrying if my supply is low or if my flow is too fast. It’s a lot of pressure to know I’m my daughter’s only source of nutrition and thus, survival.
And you might be thinking how selfish I am. And that’s OK because you know what, I definitely feel selfish sometimes. I rarely complain about breastfeeding — except to my husband. I realize there are benefits to it, and that’s why despite the fact that I don’t enjoy it, I’m still doing it. I used to hate it, but now I just don’t like it. And I know I’m never going to be one of those women who love it.
And in case there is anyone out there who also just doesn’t enjoy breastfeeding, I didn’t want you to think you are the only mama out there feeling that way. Because I know for certain I feel like I’m the only one!
So there. I said it. I don’t like breastfeeding.
Are there parts of breastfeeding you don’t like?
Check out these posts:
- Breastfeeding Essentials (This post shares the beginning of my breastfeeding journey.)
- Favorite Nursing Clothes
- Encouragement for the Hard Mom Days
Oh girl. I feel you. I’m on baby 4 and I’ve had a love/hate relationship with nursing. My third baby made it a breeze, so I loved it. He was easy, he nurses easily,he went to sleep easily, etc. On number 4, he is an entirely different story. I can’t wait to get to 6 months and be done. I think it definitely has a lot to do with the baby and who they are. Don’t be discouraged though! Comradarie is out there! ? (and here) ?
Thanks Kayla! I sure hope our next one is a breeze or it might be our last!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience so honestly. *hug* I discovered that breastfeeding is not as easy as it seems or, maybe a better way of saying it is that not every women’s experience is the same and not every baby is the same, either.
We had a super challenging time with breastfeeding so I can relate to quite a bit of what you said. Engorgement, blisters, milk blebs, not being able to sleep on my stomach (I’m a stomach sleeper!), constantly worrying about my supply (which tended to be low) and feeling like a failure when we had to supplement with formula. Everything seemed even more magnified because I had to pump exclusively the first few months. I’m also a rather private person, too.
Even just going to church every week became a logistical nightmare! One time I was in the church nursery and had to pump because my son was super hungry and we had no extra milk at that time and there was no other place in the church where I had access to an outlet. And people (women AND men) kept walking into the nursery to “talk”. I was so uncomfortable, trying to pump as discreetly as a double electric pump allows underneath a cover while hold a crying infant and trying not breakdown into hysterical tears.
So when my son was finally able to nurse on his own, it was actually a huge relief. But I was back to work full-time so I was still mostly pumping. We made it to 10 months, which is what I was praying for the whole time. I hope this time around (we are now expecting Baby #2), the experience will be easier but I am mentally preparing for similar challenges just so I can be ready this time.
Jacquelyn recently posted…Baby #2 Pregnancy Update: 24 Weeks
Oh goodness, that sounds terrible! We have been skipping church because like you said – logistical nightmare! And I miss it! We are trying to go back, but it is filled with anxiety on my end. Anyways, thanks for sharing and I sure hope baby #2 (congrats by the way!) is much easier!
Thank you so much for sharing this. Give yourself more credit for feeling this way and still being a great mom. I am not a mom as you know but, you are not alone. As I have always planned to breastfeed but have never been good at staying home (w/o work)- I have always wished to return to work asap. So my breastfeeding days will be very short- lived since its unrealistic to work and pump in the work place. I fully support your bravery in sharing this intimate mommy experience.
Thanks Lesley! You know I shared about my mom’s experience in this post. She breastfed for about six weeks before she had to return to work. I think that was a big part of why her experience was so great. She knew it was coming to an end so she could really enjoy it and take it all in. When there is no end in sight, it’s hard to see the positives.
Tiffany, I can’t believe how you voiced my thoughts exactly! Breastfeeding was one of the hardest things about being a mom. Especially being out in public cause no nursing covers here either… I tried!! And it hurt! I nursed my baby a lot longer than I thought I ever would! At the end it was mostly to go to sleep and wake up, and she was 12 months or so when I quit that. Way to go for sticking it out!! No judgment comin from me on any of our points!!!;)
Thanks so much Joella. So many women have reached out saying they agree! It’s such a relief, and I hope all of you are seeing that it’s not just you and me — many women don’t enjoy it!
Thank you for being honest, Tiffany! It really makes me feel better about someday having kids to know that not everyone loves every stage of parenting, and that that’s okay!
Oh man, I definitely don’t enjoy a lot of the stages! Ha! That sounds bad, but it’s the truth. I hated the newborn phase. Part of it was my recovery, but it was also just a HUGE adjustment.
Although not a mama, I really appreciate your honesty. I know from new mom friends that they feel judged about EVERYTHING, so go you for saying it like you experience it! 🙂 I’m sure you’ll make a lot of ladies happy to know they’re not alone.
Thanks Julie! I really appreciate that! I’m shocked at the good response I’ve received so far!