When I was pregnant, people joked by saying things like, “Get sleep while you can!” At least I thought they were joking. They laughed when they said it. But it turns out, it wasn’t much of a joke at all. I didn’t think I could sleep well with a giant belly and bladder that needed emptied every two hours. But little did I know what was to come! You really don’t get any sleep when you have a baby. The sleep deprivation is very, very real. Sadly.
As far as I can tell, Raylee is just a really bad sleeper. At least I hope so. If this is normal, I might not want any more kids! Joking … kind of.
When she was about five months old, I was pretty fed up with the lack of sleep I was getting. I didn’t think she should still be waking so many times at night. I also really needed to figure out how to get her to nap on her own — without me holding her! If she could nap on her own, I could get things done (like blogging!). And I really missed blogging.
A friend of mine recommended some sleep consultants who helped her sleep train her baby. So after going back and forth for awhile, we finally decided to just chuck over the money and hire the help. I’m kind of embarrassed to say we hired someone to help us get our baby to sleep. It makes me feel like I’m not a good parent because I couldn’t figure it out. But in all honesty, I couldn’t figure it out! I had no idea what to do even after reading countless articles on the topic of sleep training and getting lots of opinions from other mamas.
The sleep consultants gave us lots of advice and tips. They created a plan for us to follow. That plan included a daily schedule that would get Raylee into a nap routine. It evenly spaced out her naps and her feedings, and it gave her a strict bedtime and wake time. I followed the plan for four weeks, and in that time I learned a lot.
Sleep Training: What I Learned
This is the second time I’ve written this post. The first time I talked about some of the things the sleep consultants taught me — things like wake times and sleep cycles and wake, eat, play routines. But instead, I’ve reworked this post. I’ve edited it down to the three most important things I’ve learned from sleep training.
It’s Hard Work
If you ask me, sleep training was harder than giving birth. Maybe because it lasts longer. Sleep training is all about consistency. It’s about creating routines and adjusting your baby to that routine until they learn. The cry-it-out method just wasn’t for me. So we chose to do a pat-shush method. That means when Raylee woke up, I would go in and pat her and shush her until she fell back asleep. We didn’t pick her back up because we didn’t want her to learn that crying means she gets to be held.
According to the schedule from the sleep consultants, Raylee is supposed to take three naps a day. That means for four weeks, three times a day I was patting and shushing for however long I needed.
And it was terrible.
I wanted to give up basically every single day. Another reason this was harder than giving birth — I was all alone. There was no one there to cheer me on or encourage me like there was when I was pushing. That brings me to the next point…
It’s Not Worth My Sanity
Sleep training made me feel depressed. Trying to follow a strict schedule drove me insane. I felt so alone every day. I dreaded nap time. And when I finally got her to sleep, I felt anxiety knowing she would wake soon. Every time she wouldn’t sleep, I felt like a complete failure.
As I wrote in this post, breastfeeding made me feel trapped. And when I received our proposed schedule from the sleep consultants, I cried. It made me feel even more trapped. How was I ever going to be able to leave the house with this nap schedule? I was turning down play dates and other events that I desperately wanted to go to. I stopped going to my weekly Bible study. I canceled other events that I had signed up for. I was stuck at home, all day every day, patting and shushing until I was in tears.
I was told that just a few weeks of sticking to the schedule would help Raylee get the routine down and then we could be a little more flexible with it. After two weeks, we did begin to see results. Raylee began sleeping for longer stretches in the night and she did really well for two of the three naps. But then we traveled to visit family, and the whole thing went out the window. I did everything I could to stick to the schedule while we were away, but for whatever reason she regressed.
Everything Will Change
The last thing I learned when it comes to sleep training is that everything will change. Your child will regress because of traveling, teething, sickness, or some other reason. Hopefully, they will go back to the routine you’ve taught them. Hopefully, they will learn to be a good sleeper. But as soon as they do, things will probably change again.
Once we got home from our travels, I still stuck to that strict schedule. After another week though, I finally talked to my husband about it all. I just couldn’t do it and I was afraid of becoming more depressed. I dreaded nap time. I dreaded wake time. I dreaded bedtime. I dreaded the morning. I didn’t look forward to anything at all. And worst of all, it felt like it was never ever going to end.
So after several weeks of sleep training, I honestly can’t tell you whether it’s worth it or not. I wish I could say my daughter is now an amazing sleeper. But she’s not. It’s still a struggle. But giving up that strict schedule and just “going with the flow” has given me the chance to breathe again. I can leave the house now!
We threw sleep training out the window. Maybe that means our baby will never learn to sleep well, but it does mean that her mama is going to be much healthier.
I would love to hear your take on this topic.
Have you tried sleep training? Did it work? What recommendations do you have for someone who has a bad sleeper?
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Oh girl! For us 9 months has been the turning point. But until then we were part of the no sleep club. Finally at 9 months with our first the Dr gave us a sleep training guide. What it said is for naps and bedtime to make sure the child is not completely asleep but dozey. Then in the middle of the night to watch the time (ounces for bottle-fed). So, I started normally feeding Jude 25 min and each night would cut the time. It worked for us, but every child is different that is for sure. Good luck and I hope you get some sleep because it is rough to function.
Thanks for the well wishes Ashley. I hope it gets better soon!
Let me first say: you are doing absolutely AMAZING! *hug* Every baby is different and every family is different, and you have to figure out what works for you, your adorable little one, and your family. Parenting an infant is hard work.
We did our own very casual, flexible sleep training with our son. My mom told me once that her policy was to: “If at all possible, let sleeping babies sleep.” In the early months, I would keep him with me throughout the day in the portable moses basket that came with our bassinet. When he got a little bigger, I switched him to the boppy on the couch next to me or his bouncing recliner. Later on, if that meant that our son fell asleep on a blanket on the living room floor, then I left him where he was to nap. We are fortunate that he would often fall asleep in the car, so I would gently lift him out of the carseat (we did not get the type with the detachable carrier) and carry himself inside the house where I would lay him down on the floor or the couch as quickly as possible to keep him asleep.
I actually preferred letting him nap with me/us in the living room. He seemed to nap longer and more deeply when close to me than those times I tried putting him in his crib. And I liked being able to sit next to him or keep a close eye on him. Is he a perfect napper? No. He slept a lot when he was under 7 months but then he began only napping in the mid-afternoon. Some days he refuses to nap at all. And though I cut back on a few of our outside activities, we still had many obligations and other activities I had to attend (church programs, friend’s wedding, sister’s music concert, etc.). I would take a blanket and some quiet toys, find a seat in a corner when possible, spread the blanket on the ground by my feet, and let him lay down to play or sleep.
He was a fairly good night sleeper from early on, but he has gone through many sleep regressions due to teething (the worst!) and growth spurts. The longest regression was about 12 months when he got his first real cold that worsened into an ear infection. That was three weeks of… very little sleep and since I work full time outside the home, it really hit me super hard. My husband and I would tag-team the nights. Praise the Lord, the regressions don’t last forever. Some might only be a few days and others might be a few weeks, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
We’ve made mistakes and tried various things. We now have a pretty decent routine that works for us, though it could use improvement, too. We don’t do always do things the way the experts say or what others say is the right way. I rely heavily on my mom’s advice. She told me once when I could not get him to nap in his crib: “We make things too complicated. Parenting shouldn’t be as hard as we make it. Do what is right for you and your baby, and if you don’t like something or find it too hard, try something else, something easier.”
So find what works for you! Your sanity and your happiness is very important, not only for your own mental health but also for the health and happiness of your little one and family. 🙂
Jacquelyn recently posted…Raising children on the principle of love
I definitely think I make things too hard. It’s partly my personality type and being a perfectionist. Plus just the pressure of being a first time mom. I want to do everything right or best, but I basically never know what IS right or best!
My son was the worst sleeper in the history of babies! I needed to rock him to sleep and feed him at night a few times. We co-sleep for 9 months. I was googling the internet and I saw a lot of people talking good things about the HWL method from ebook “How to teach a baby to fall asleep alone” by Susan Urban ( http://www.parental-love.com ). I was tired and didn’t know what to do so I decided to try it. After a very short time, it was 2 or 3 days he started to fall asleep on his own in his crib without any rocking or cuddling. I was able to put him into his crib and leave – how awesome is that 🙂 We also got rid of night feedings. Every parent should read this ebook. Only a dozen or so pages and such great results!
This guide is much more approachable and easy to digest than the books we have bought (who can read 300 page books when sleep-deprived and spending time with a sleep-deprived baby??)
Thanks for the recommendation Sandra! I’m so glad it worked for you!