Scars come with living. That’s what Toby Mac’s song says, and it sure is true. I gained quite a few scars within the first month of this year. I have three scars on my abdomen from my appendectomy, and I have multiple scars on my neck from where they put in my central line when I was in the ICU. You can read my Sepsis Survivor story here. Those are the physical scars you can see on my body. They will fade with time and most of them can be hidden by my clothes. Today, I want to talk about the scars that aren’t visible on my body — the emotional and mental scars. I’m talking about anxiety after trauma today. It’s something I’ve been meaning to write about for about two months now, especially since May is Mental Health Awareness Month.
It’s very common to experience anxiety after any type of trauma. I researched a bit after my medical ordeal to see if what I was feeling and experiencing was normal, and it turns out that PTSD or post-trauma anxiety are very normal after coming off a ventilator. “Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory” — a quote I found that couldn’t be further from the truth. (If you know where this quote comes from, I’d love to give credit, so let me know.) Here’s a bit about my experience with post-trauma anxiety.
Dealing with Post-Trauma Anxiety
I began to first experience this anxiety after I was moved out of the ICU. I would have flashbacks of being “suctioned out,” as I call it, right before my second breathing test. You can read about that experience here. I struggled with sleeping, and not just because I was in a hospital bed. It was my brain that wouldn’t let me fall asleep. I dreaded bedtime every night. There was one night that they gave me a sleeping pill before bed. I don’t even know why, but I was so thankful for it. I would have trouble sleeping later after I got home too. At first I took strong pain meds to help knock me out, then switched to Tylenol PM, and then later to melatonin. My brain was trying to work through all the trauma, even as I was sleeping. So sometimes I would have nightmares or just wake up and not be able to fall back asleep.
My Own Health
The biggest area of my anxiety was related to my own health for obvious reason. I felt like I couldn’t trust any of my doctors because of some of my experiences in the hospital. I was always worried my infection would get worse, my abscess would come back, and my ultimate fear — that I would end up back on a ventilator. I wasn’t even really scared of death, it was just the suffering. The ventilator traumatized me, and I never wanted to experience it again.
This anxiety became the worst one night when we were back home. One of my scars from my appendectomy incision still had a small stitch in it. They were supposed to go away on their own and, not ever having surgery before, I had no idea how long it would take. I assumed they should have been gone by then. It had been over a month since my surgery! So one night, when looking at it, I noticed it looked different. It was sticking out a little more than usual and there was something white around it. I immediately began to worry that it was infected, or that somehow my abdomen infection was leaking out of it. My thoughts spiraled, and before I knew it I could not stop crying. I ended up having a panic attack. The tears got to the point where I was having trouble breathing. The only way I got through it and was able to calm down was through an app that I’ll talk about below.
Leaving Behind My Kids
The second part of my anxiety was the reality of how close I was to dying. I could not stop thinking about the “what could have beens.” I knew Travis would survive without me, but the thought of leaving behind my two beautiful girls was so hard on my heart. Eventually, they wouldn’t even remember me. I thought a lot about how much that would have affected them.
In fact, just being separated from my 2-year-old for two weeks straight without any warning did affect her. She had separation anxiety once we reunited, which in turn, gave me separation anxiety. Every time I left them, I worried I wouldn’t make it back soon or worst I wouldn’t make it back at all.
One night, Travis and I left the girls at the house where they had stayed while I was in the hospital. They were there with their aunt, uncle, and grandma. I knew they were in good hands, and I knew Travis and I needed a night to ourselves. But the entire way to the high school gym (we were going to see a basketball game), I was struggling not to sob my eyes out. I just kept thinking about all the ways we could die and never make it back to the girls. Even once we got to the gym and found seats, I was still struggling. I really did not want to have a panic attack in the middle of this crowd! When Travis left to get us some refreshments, I texted my mom and explained all I was feeling. She prayed for me over text message, and I felt my fears melt away. That night ended up being so good for Travis and me. I had really struggled with whether to go or not, and now I’m so glad my mother-in-law urged me to go.
The biggest thing that helped me overcome that part of my anxiety was when I met with a mentor at my church. We talked about all I was feeling and she asked, “Do you trust God? If you died, would He take care of your girls?” I knew the answer was yes. He would definitely take care of them, so if I claimed to trust God, I needed to actually trust God. Now, anytime I think those “what if” thoughts, I remind myself that even in my worst case scenario God will take care of it all.
Managing Anxiety
When I first wrote this, I had this section labeled “Overcoming Anxiety.” But then I realized maybe “overcoming” isn’t the right word. Perhaps “managing” is the word I should use. Is my anxiety gone? Sometimes it seems like it, but all it takes is a trigger to bring it back. The whole COVID-19 thing is enough to bring it back a lot of times. So here are some things that have helped me manage my anxiety and keep it under control.
Sharing.
I posted about my anxiety a bit on my Instagram page, and set up a poll for my readers to see how many deal with anxiety on some level. A whopping 93% said yes, they, too, experience anxiety. Satan often tries to isolate us and make us feel like we are the only ones experiencing this. He tells us we are the odd ones out, but that isn’t true! As much as we don’t want others to feel this way, it is comforting to know we aren’t alone. It helps us feel seen, heard, understood — something I imagine all of us want on some level. So one of the things that has helped me is sharing about my experience and sharing about my feelings or fears — whether it be quietly while laying next to my husband in bed, or publicly by writing a blog post.
Prayer.
Having others pray for me like when my mom texted me her prayer while I was across the state in a gymnasium has been incredibly helpful. Spending time in prayer myself or sometimes writing out prayers has been helpful. Sometimes I need to just speak or write out all that is on my mind and heart.
3-Minute Mindfulness App
I got this app five years ago when I went through something else traumatic. I haven’t had it on my phone in years, but when I had that panic attack about my stitches — I remembered this app and downloaded it again. It was hard to do during a panic attack, but Travis, once he figured out what I was trying to do, was able to help me. I open the app, click “breathe” at the top, and choose “box breathing.” I have it set to three minutes, and I click begin. It takes you through an exercise that helps you focus on your breathing. You just follow what it says — breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold. It calms me down and helps me breathe again.
Finding a Mentor or Counselor.
While in the hospital, someone came to see me to ask me questions and give me a referral to see a therapist for my post-trauma anxiety. I was very much looking forward to seeing a therapist, but unfortunately it just ended up not working well for me. I’ve got a post coming with more details on that soon. But knowing I still needed some form of “help,” I started going to my church for what they call “intense discipleship.” It’s sort of like counseling, but mostly like having a mentor. My main reason for switching to this is that I wanted the Word of God to take precedent in our conversation. This has been crucial to me in working through my trauma, understanding the “whys,” and not being scared of the “what ifs.”
Worship Music.
I fill my car, my kitchen, my shower — my heart and mind — with worship music. I have several different playlists on Spotify that I listen to. For every traumatic or heartbreaking time in my life, there is one specific song I cling to. There was once a time in my life where I could not fall asleep without playing “Lord, I Need Thee” on repeat. After my miscarriage, as I struggled in my faith, I would sing “Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle over and over. During my breathing test to come off the ventilator, Travis played the song, “The More I Seek You” by Kari Jobe on repeat, and I pictured myself curled up in God’s big, strong hands. Kari Jobe came through later as I was in recovery; I played her song “Forever” all the time — praising God for my healing. Worship music helps me fix my eyes on Jesus, shifts my perspective, and reminds me who I belong to.
Digging into the Word.
I have had to make time to read my Bible, read other Christian books, and listen to sermons online. I have to be putting the Word of God into my heart constantly so I can be reminded of the Truth when Satan tries to whisper lies to me. I’ve also been working on scripture memorization. God tells us to hide the Word within our hearts. If we have it memorized, we don’t have to go searching for it. Instead, it will pop into our minds when we need it most.
These are some of the things that have helped me manage my anxiety. The difference I see in myself between leaving the hospital and now is incredible. God didn’t just heal me physically, He is healing my heart and soul too. It’s a process though. I hope this post helped you see you aren’t alone and maybe even gave you some tips or ideas for managing your own anxiety.
Have you ever had anxiety after trauma? Or anxiety at all? What are some things you do to manage it?
You may want to read some of my other posts: