I knew a few people who had experienced one or more miscarriages, but most of them never talked about it. I honestly didn’t know much about miscarriage — until I had one. There are so many things I didn’t realize, and I know there are others out there who have never experienced such a loss. I want people to have a better understanding of what happens and how the woman feels. I want it to be OK for me to talk about my experience, to be open about the heartbreak and the physical toll this miscarriage caused. Be warned — this post is real and raw and totally honest.
Things I Learned About Miscarriage After Having One
1. It’s a Process
I always assumed when a woman had a miscarriage it meant she started bleeding a lot, went to the hospital, found out she lost the baby, and that was it. I thought it was physcially all over within one day. Perhaps that is the case for some, but for me and for most everyone else I’ve talked to, it’s a process. Your body has to expel everything inside your uterus. This could take longer for those who are farther along in their pregnancy. This means a lot of bleeding and a lot of cramping. For some, their bodies can’t physically do it on their own. Some people have to take medicine that makes them bleed and cramp even worse. Others have to have a surgical procedure called a D&C. Some even experience labor. Each person’s experience is different, but just know if your friend just had a miscarriage most likely she is having a miscarriage and the process isn’t even over. Most women experience bleeding for at least a week.
2. Desire to Shower
You may think that bleeding and cramping is normal for a woman because she’s used to having a period every month. Please understand that this is not a period. I was surprised at how much I desperately wanted to shower sometimes. There was one day in particular where we were stuck at the hospital for much longer than we planned and all I wanted to do was shower. I was crying and telling Travis, “I just want to shower. Please let me shower.” It wasn’t because I wanted to look pretty or have my hair done. It was because I had been bleeding so much and that blood, to me, was my baby. That blood was the life I wouldn’t get to care for. I desperately wanted to shower to wash away the blood that was a constant reminder that I would not have someone calling me “mommy.”
3. Vaginal Ultrasounds
My idea of an ultrasound was what I had seen on TV and in movies my whole life. The nurse moves a wand around your belly while your husband holds your hand. You hear the heartbeat and see a little spec on a screen and everything is beautiful and magical and perfect. You cry in gratefulness of the miracle you can actually see and hear. This was not my experience at all. I had two ultrasounds with the wand on my belly, but neither one showed anything and it wasn’t because of the miscarriage. It was because my uterus is tilted, which is actually very common. This makes it very hard to see anything. Because of that I had four different vaginal ultrasounds. If you thought a pap smear was bad, sorry but this is worse. It is uncomfortable and even painful sometimes when they are moving that giant wand around inside you. These ultrasounds caused me to bleed and cramp even more than normal. You definitely don’t see any of that on TV!
4. Ultrasound Techs
No one told me during my first ultrasound that the technician is actually not allowed to tell me anything or give me any results. Having a silent ultrasound tech left me in tears. If the doctor or radiologist is the one doing the ultrasound, they can tell you what’s going on and what they are seeing. But if you have an ultrasound technician, they are legally not allowed to tell you about anything. It makes the whole thing very nerve-wrecking and scary. Please know if your ultrasound tech doesn’t say anything it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong.
5. Heightened Awareness of Pregnancy
One awful part of having a miscarriage is that you still have to keep going to the OBGYN for follow-ups until your HCG levels are completely down. This means sitting in a waiting room full of women with growing bellies while yours remains flat. I’ve never noticed so many pregnant women and newborn babies as I have since losing my baby. It can be hard to be around those who have what you lost, especially while you are still experiencing the miscarriage. Personally, I’m just trying to steer clear of those triggers until I have time to process and grieve more. I know that it will get better with time.
6. Fear of Pregnancy
I’ve always thought of getting pregnant as such a joyful moment. Sharing the news, making plans, buying maternity clothes — it all sounds so wonderful. After losing my first baby, I feel like I’ve also lost the joy of pregnancy. I know that the next time I get pregnant, it will be a time of fear. I will be haunted by my loss and all the possibilities of what could happen. The excitement will still be there, I’m sure, but it will never be the same. I imagine it will feel like a race to hit week 20 — when your chances of miscarriage drastically decrease. My next pregnancy will definitely be a time of leaning on God and trying to trust Him.
7. Waiting to Share
I couldn’t wait to share my news with the world. We began telling family as soon as Travis was home from Korea. I didn’t fully understand why people waited until week 12 to share their wonderful news. I understand much better now. The reason I would wait now is because if I did lose the baby, I would be able to share the news in my own time. Because we had just shared the good news with our families right before the miscarriage, we had to turn around and immediately tell everyone the bad news. Do you realize how difficult it is to say out loud that you lost your baby? It makes it real. And the last thing you want is for it to be real. By waiting to share the good news, you are saving yourself the possibility of having to share the bad news before you’re ready.
8. It’s Common
As I was experiencing miscarriage in the hospitals, the doctors and nurses kept telling us how common it is. I knew it was common, but I didn’t realize how common. Since sharing the news of losing our baby, so many people have opened up with me about their own miscarriages. Even people in my own family have shared that they too have had one or more miscarriages — and I had no idea. I don’t understand why this is something that many people don’t talk about. Why suffer in silence all alone? There are so many women and couples who have been through this. Does that make it any easier? Definitely not. Do not tell a woman how common it is as a way to ease her pain. However, knowing others who have been where you are does help. You know you are not alone and can have others to talk to who truly understand.
Have you had a miscarriage? What things did you learn through the experience?
For more posts on this topic, take a look at my Pinterest board Miscarriage.
You may also want to read:
- When We Lost Our Baby … Twice (Our Miscarriage Story)
- After Miscarriage: Ways to Remember Baby
- To My Pregnant Friend After My Miscarriage
Are you currently going through a miscarriage? I’m so sorry for your loss. Consider ordering my eBook Miscarriage & Mourning. It’s my hope that this book will be an encouragement to you and help you see that you are not alone in your grief.
My heart breaks for you. For those of us who have never been through this, we can’t possibly know or understand. I appreciate you sharing your story, as it will help us in the future to know more about what others are dealing with during a miscarriage. I know some are more private and don’t want to talk about it — and that’s okay too. Everyone must grieve and heal in different ways. I thank you for opening up so that we can better support you. We love you and Travis. Praying for you!
Im sorry to hear about your news. I also just found out that I miscarried. It’s the absolute hardest thing to cope with. Im definitely not happy that it happened to you but relieved that you shared a piece of your life which makes me feel like it’s going to be ok! XOXO I wish you many blessings in the future.
Kenya, I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I don’t think the pain will ever fully go away, but just know you will survive this. I’m praying you receive healing — physical and emotional.
Hello,
I am actually going through my first pregnancy now that has turned into miscarriage. It’s a weird thing to say that it happened to me, but it did. It is. The bleeding, the thoughts that my baby is slowly seeping out of me.. It’s terrible. Thanks for sharing your story.
-Roze
Roze, I am so so very sorry that you are going through this. I’m sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. I pray you find healing Roze.
The worse part for me was every time I went to the bathroom to pee the blood rushing out all i could think about was am flushing my baby down the toilet after hearing it’s sweet heart beat 5 days perire.. And my & I got pregnant together we were 9 days apart and planning her baby shower has been hard knowing we had planned to have one together
Oh Monica, I am so very sorry for your loss. I had those same thoughts and feelings about “flushing my baby down the toilet.” It’s something I struggled with A LOT, but didn’t talk about much with others. My husband knows how I felt, as well as my counselor. But it’s hard to tell others the horror you feel every time you go to the bathroom. It just doesn’t feel fair that our babies didn’t get a proper funeral and burial like anyone else would.
I also get your feelings about being pregnant at the same time as someone close to you. My cousin and I were pregnant together for a short amount of time. About a week into my miscarriage, she had her baby. I am so thankful her baby is healthy and beautiful, but seeing pictures of them together during my miscarriage was incredibly hard. I’m so sorry that you have had to plan her shower. I know without a doubt I would not have been able to do that. You are a strong woman!
Oh my goodness, I had the same thought. I thought that it was a weird thought to have. We’ve been trying for about a yr and half, I have PCOS so it makes things a little more difficult. Found out two weeks ago that I had lost it. Other than looking my mother, it’s the worst thing I’m going thru.
Sorry to hear this Emily. I’m so sorry for your losses — both your mom and your baby. I hope that you won’t lose hope and will keep trying.
Thank you for writing this. I’m currently having to walk the same shoes. You always hear of people having miscarriages, but you don’t expect it to be you, or it to be for your first pregnancy.
Praying for your healing
I hate to hear that Kailey. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to heal both physically and emotionally.
Tiffany I admire your courage and effort to help others as you grieve. I’ve has 3, all different experiences in vastly different ways. I often will share in person but haven’t done so on my blog. I need to though. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Travis!
Sharing it this way isn’t for everyone. I totally get that. But it is definitely helping me. I always find it easier to share about my heartaches through the written word rather than face-to-face conversations.
Tiffany, I am so proud of you for writing this. I know that doing so will help many women who have experienced miscarriage. You and Travis are in my prayers.
I am so glad you are being so open about this. It isn’t for everyone, but it can be so cathartic for you and others who also grieve after miscarriages.
I relate to much of this, but like everyone’s experience, mine has several differences. I lost my first at six weeks, the. had a few “chemical pregnancies,” and didn’t experience much of what you wrote about until we didn’t hear the heartbeat at a 12 week appointment (which was my longest pregnancy). I remember not “feeling pregnant” for at least a week, but friends said that was just the end of the brutal first trimester. However, the reason I didn’t feel pregnant was that my baby had stopped growing three weeks prior. Because my body never spontaneously expelled on its own, I had to have a D&C, and I didn’t have a chance to even start to process my situation until I was in the recovery room and realized my baby was gone. However, I feel so blessed that my grief was quickly followed by a peace I cannot explain (well, it surpasses all understanding, but is attributed to our loving Father), and has mostly stayed with me in the years since.
What I learned after my final miscarriage was that most (if not all) could have been prevented if I had known I was homozygous for the MTHFR gene which causes clotting in the placenta and basically suffocated my babies. Once or twice since then that fact has overcome me and I hated my body for what it had done to my babies. However, the fix would have been relatively simple with a baby aspirin and a special Folic Acid supplement (the genetic defect also prevents the absorption of folic acid which can limit brain development). I learned all of this too late to ever carry my own child, but I have an amazing adopted daughter that I can’t imagine living without.
Thanks for sharing more of your story Stacy. I can’t imagine the different feelings you have/do have due to your condition. But I’m so very glad you have a beautiful daughter now!
Thank you for this Tiffany. I had a miscarriage before Dylan but never really talked about it with anyone. 11 years later I still think about it. I felt many of the same feelings you described, and I remember thinking I was going crazy….I really believe God will use your experience and your honesty to help a lot of other women. I will be praying for you and Travis, for your loss and for your future.
Tiffany – I pray for you and Travis daily. This was an amazing article and I am sure it will help those who have had a miscarriage or who are currently going through one to have a more understanding of the process. May God put his loving arms around each of you.
This was extremely helpful to read and I’m glad you didn’t leave out the raw details. I started going to a miscarriage grief group in our small town. We are amazed at how little miscarriage grief counseling or books there are out there to go off of. It is difficult to see everyone around me getting pregnant to full term while my belly stays flat- it’s almost enraging. And it’s good to acknowledge those feelings. But also good to then reflect on the type of person God wants us to be , even in difficult situations. I struggle with this on a daily basis. Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to share your experience with others going through the same thing.
Sarah, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that this post was helpful to you. I am also amazed at how little info there is out there. I think it’s even more difficult that every woman’s experience is different, making it very hard to know what to expect when it happens to you. Although we all may have different experiences physically, we do often have many of the same emotions and grief. I’m so glad that being open about my experience can help others in such a horrible, tragic time. I hope that you are able to find healing through your grief group.
Thank you so much for putting this down on metaphorical paper. These are all the exact thoughts i’ve had since my loss in January. It’s so much different than you imagine if you’ve never been through it. So, so sorry for your loss <3 Here's to healthy rainbow babies in our futures!
Mallory, I’m so sorry to hear you were going through this the same time as I was. I second your thoughts and wishes for future healthy rainbow babies!
I lost my first two babies to miscarriage, each time at 12 weeks. That was 36 plus years ago and it still makes me sad. And No One talked about it back then. Thank you for your openness here.
Wow, I’m so sorry Suzie. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be without being able to hear other stories and knowing you aren’t alone.
Heartbreaking. I’m sorry for your loss, but you are so spot on. I hope you know how very helpful your post was. Thank you for sharing your story.
p.s. I hope you don’t mind if I post a like to this on my page. I’d love for some of my friends and family to read this as well.
Alisha recently posted…The Day it Happens.
Alisha, I’m so sorry for your own loss. I just read your post about it. Of course you are welcome to share a link to my page. I hope that together, as we write about our losses and our healing, we can help others to heal as well.
You may not read this but I think it’s important I share. I am currently going through a miscarriage. Everything you said here is true and honestly it’s comforting knowing my experience is similar. I too wonder why it’s still taboo. We talk about loss of parents, grandparents, friends, but never our angels. I am very sorry for your loss. I thank you for this.
Natalie, I’m really sorry to hear that you are currently going through it. I hope that you will find healing and eventually peace in sharing about your loss and listening as others, like myself, share about our losses. I found comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am in the process of a miscarriage as we speak and this is by far the most difficult thing I have ever gone through mentally.
Nova, I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find healing both physically and emotionally.
I just had a miscarriage May 19, I didn’t bleed so they had to give me a medicine to induced the expulsions of tissue they told me I experience the painful cramps and the emotional pain of knowing that I won’t be able to see the smile of my baby. I was them introduced in OR to make the procedure of removing all the rest of tissue ( I hate it so much because part of that things they say it was tissue was my baby). I’m still in physical and emotional pain, still bleeding and having cramps. All I can said is that God holds my baby in his arms, and we hold our baby in our hearts.
I’m so sorry to hear this France. It is a truly awful experience, but you are right — God holds our babies. And you know what? He told us too. He holds us and comforts us in the worst of times if we let Him.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Yesterday we went for Our first ultrasound at 11 weeks… After the normal tummy ultrasound the tech told me to go empty my bladder as they needed to do an internal ultrasound. After everything was done, she said she was going to go talk to the Dr. and that they would come back and go over the results.
The doctor came in with thr tech and closed the door… Leaned against the wall, folded his hands and told us they couldn’t find a heart beat…
One second we are dreaming of nursery ideas, ball games graduations… The next is a feeling like no other I have ever experienced. Your breath is stolen from your lungs… And your heart breaks in a million pieces… And everything just stops.
I am so very sorry for your loss. But thank you so very much for sharing your story. When you feel so alone it is a shining light to know you arent alone as you thought.
Janie, thank you for your words and sharing some of your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I remember that feeling of having to do an internal ultrasound and waiting to hear what in the world was going on. It is such an awful experience. I hope that you can find hope and comfort here through my posts and the other comments from readers who have been through it too.
I’m currently going through a miscarriage right now. I’m honestly surprised with how okay I am about it. It’s like the scientific part of my brain is thriving, and it’s letting the emotional side of my brain take a break.
It’s my first pregnancy, first miscarriage, first time attempting to get pregnant after being on birth control for over 10 years. I’m fully confident that we will have better chances with the next pregnancy, and I’m already looking forward to that.
<3 I hope everyone who is struggling with their own miscarriages can find peace in their body healing.
Kate, I’m sorry for your loss but very glad that you are healing and doing well. I am so glad to hear you are looking forward to getting pregnant again! So am I! 🙂
Thank you for writing this. Yesterday I went in for my 8 week appointment where they found that my baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. It was a heartbreaking moment. We decided to wait for a natural miscarriage for now instead of a D&C. It’s so hard waiting and not knowing when it will come, especially when I am still experiencing nausea. It has been so helpful talking to family and friends who have gone through this to see that there is hope through the physical and emotional pain
Shannon, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it is to wait and knowing what is to come. I pray that the Lord gives you peace during this difficult time.
Thanks for sharing.. I lost a baby in April and I am still struggling.. I just don’t know how to move on and cannot find support… I soon found out after my miscarriage that my sister in law is due 2 weeks after I was supposed o have baby… I find that making things hard… knowing that for the next 18 years my child would have been reaching the milestones hers will actually reach..
That is one of the hardest parts of it, I think. It’s very hard to rejoice with those who rejoice, when we are in the middle of our mourning. I struggled with that as well. Prayer is the only thing that helped me with that. I asked God to help me heal, to make me happy for others rather than jealous or angry or sad. It takes time. April was not long ago, Keely. Give yourself time to heal. Grief has no timeline.
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I had only been trying to get pregnant for 2 months when I conceived, I am 25 so I thought that to be young and healthy would be an advantage. There truly are no words to describe what goes on in your head after you find out that the little soul you’ve been carrying has died without you noticing. I found out 2 days ago on an ultrasound that my baby’s heart no longer beats (and yes transvaginal is not what I pictured when I had heard about ultrasounds). The way the lab technician told me was as if she was explaining a part in a text book. “Sometimes and in this case a fetus’s heartbeat starts off too slow to sustain life, once it’s heart stops, the growth stops which is how we determine when the heart stopped”. All I could say way “ok”. I sat there waiting for her to get my husband, numb, staring at the screen, trying to get just one glimpse of my baby. After entering the room with my husband she asked if we needed a moment, I told her she needed to first explain to my husband what was going on, I couldn’t say it. After she explained, she said “take your time and leave when you can” my husband turned to me and said “what does this mean”. I guess while she discussed fetal measurements and heartbeats per minute my poor hubby didn’t hear her say our baby is exactly the same as the last ultrasound, but without a heartbeat. That’s when I finally broke. With tears in my eyes I whispered “it means our baby is dead”. I remember him putting his arms around me and staring at that screen, I remember just sitting there weeping quietly as to not scare any other new moms in the rooms around us. As we finally decided it was time to leave I remember putting on the show of my life, leaving the room with a big smile as a couple of young mothers scanned my face on the way out. I remember being breathless, I don’t think I breathed until we crashed out those front doors and i ran to the car. I cried there, harder than I ever imagined possible, gut wrenching heart breaking cries, I didn’t feel like the sounds were coming from me. My husband has been my rock, my everything for the past 2 days. I have “missed miscarried” but I still have all my pregnancy symptoms, which is the cruelest part I find. I have not yet begun to cramp or pass the baby, but I have decided to try to do that naturally. Yesterday we also named our baby,which has helped me to feel like I am honouring them properly. I cry all day, my husband has not cried yet. He is devastated, I can see it on his face whenever I cry, but he keeps it together for me, I am truly blessed to have him. We try to joke and laugh and be happy, but as soon as I feel too happy, I feel guilty and end up back at the beginning. All of our friends and family have been so supportive and yes I do hear a lot of people tell me how common it is, almost everyone says that. I have found that to be the least helpful thing anyone tells me. It just makes me worry and dread trying again if this is such a common occurrence. The most amazing thing anyone has said to me was “What is happening to you is f***ing awful, its not fair and its going to take as long as it takes to feel almost ok again”. It was simple, but helpful. Anyways, sorry for the long story, I am currently still carrying my little one and anything I can do to distract myself from that is helpful. For all the moms going through this, just remember that you created life, you created a soul and that is a miracle. You are a mom whether you carried the child for weeks or months, they will always be a part of you. Stay strong ladies.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find it helpful to share, so I hope you writing that out helped. I imagine it is extremely hard to handle knowing you are going to miscarry and having to wait for it to happen. I’m so sorry for your loss, and you are right. We created life and that is a miracle. I hope that you are able to find healing. I’m sure your comment and story will encourage others who are going through this. Here’s to all our future rainbow babies!
I felt all of this except this being my first child. I have an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old. So I never expected this to happen. It happened last week right before I had a business trip that we’d already spent quite a bit of money on. We went ahead and went and after lots of praying I thought okay God’s given me peace with this and he had. I was surprisingly okay in the 12 hour ride with my husband until we arrived and every where I turned around there was pregnant women! This week new baby sonograms all in my Facebook newsfeed. I’m so mad! Before I knew I had already picked out a name. We were so busy we hadn’t made it to the doctor yet so we didn’t even get to see it but we were already calling it by name. I think one of the hardest things was when I had to go back for blood work they did a sonogram to make sure everything was coming out okay. Laying on that bed having a sonogram done of my empty uterus! My baby was supposed to be there! I just have to believe that there had to be something wrong with my baby and God took it home to save it from any suffering.
I’m so sorry for your loss Hayle. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or your 10th — it’s still a loss. I’m so very sorry.
It is everything that I literally experienced this past weekend, from Friday when my OB told me it was normal to bleed up until I almost labored on Labor Day and completely lost my baby. 9-2-16 to 9-5-16
Reading this helped me know I’m not alone even though we aren’t friends or are talking it feels as if we did
Thank you for being our voice
So sorry to hear this Maritza! I’m glad it could help, if even just a little. I’m blown away by the number of comments this post has gotten. I hope that everyone responding can show others that they aren’t alone.
Thank you for this!
I thought my first pregnancy was hell. I found out I was pregnant when I needed my gallbladder removed so I had surgery in week 6… wow was I scared to lose that baby. But I was still pregnant. I did experience a ‘vanishing twin’ but we still had a baby left and even though it hurt me, i had something to look forward to. After 40 weeks and 2 days of being sick and experiencing a lot of shit, I had a tiny baby in my hands that was too small for his term. But he was a fighter and he is a big boy now… 14 months old and healthy…
So we moved on, Decided that we’d go and try for number 2… Last week I found out I was pregnant and yes, only a few days later I started bleeding.. It is all happening right now. People don’t know what to tell me. Everything they say sounds so rude, even though I know they mean well… so I just smile and say I am okay, while inside I feel like the world is falling apart.
O yes my first baby boy is beautiful and he is my whole world, but they dont get that I also wanted this second baby and that it was already loved…
Oh Roxanne, I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. The loss is indescribable. I totally get what you mean about people meaning well but their words falling short. I hope that you can see through my posts and through so many comments from other women, that you are not alone in the suffering and pain.
Everything mentioned was all the emotions that I experienced as well. From the ultrasound tech not being able to tell me my baby was gone to the wand, I went though it as well. I’m crying right now just thinking about it but it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone.
You most certainly are not alone Lindsay. I’m astonished at the numbers of comments this blog post has received. So many of us have been through this. I’m sorry for your loss!
Thank you for writing this.
There is no “what to expect when your no longer expecting” book although perhaps their should be.
Today is day 3 after finding out and I’m trying hard to keep up with all the information being thrown at me but they don’t tell you very much.
Hospital staff and medical staff seem almost afraid to talk to me.
They say “I’ll give you time” and stuff and I’m sure they are trying to be kind but it feels more like they are scared of me.
This morning I had to choose the drugs that make you expelled the baby and then labour at home or a d and c.
I was 17.5 weeks and all I could picture was this tiny tiny baby floating in the toilet. Then what? You can’t flush it can’t keep it.. burry it In The yard??
I just can’t even wrap my head around this decision so I opted for the d anc c. I just want it to be over with but I have 4 days until surgery. And I can’t bring myself to tell anyone.
Oh SJ, I’m so very sorry. Each person’s experience is different, but I hope that you can read my posts and read all these comments and know that you are not alone. So many of us have been there or are there now, unfortunately. I hope you can find the strength to reach out to others so they can be there for you during this time. <3
Thank you for writing this article! I am currently miscarrying and it was of great comfort to read about this difficult time through someone else’s perspective and see that everything I am feeling seems to be relatively normal. I am handling my loss by ingesting as much information as possible and finding support in others who have gone through this as well. Unfortunately, it has been hard to talk openly about what I am going through as it seems to be something somewhat of a stigmatized subject, although I have no clue why! Thank you for giving all us a voice.
Dana, I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, felt comfort in gaining as much information as possible and reading the stories of others.
I really needed to hear this today. I lost my baby Wednesday, and had a D&C Thursday. I wanted whatever option was less traumatic for me and my boyfriend. But nothing makes it less traumatic, and I quickly learned that. The grief doesn’t go away, and I know it never will. This was my first baby, and she was already so spoiled. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Shelby, I’m so sorry for your loss! Praying for healing for you and your boyfriend.
I really must disagree with number 7. As a mother who has experienced 4 miscarriages, I feel it is better to share the news of the pregnancy sooner- that way if it does not work out, people know why you are suddenly depressed and sad. Plus, this lessens the stigma about miscarriage.
I can definitely understand that! I am split between both options. For our current pregnancy, we told close family members early. But we did wait to announce on Facebook and to the public/world, until 12 weeks. It’s just a personal preference as to what each woman is comfortable with.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing your story and experience. I believe everything you have written about is 100% true. I suffered miscarriage January 4, 2016 at nearly 12 weeks. We were 4 days out from our 12 week scan when I started spotting. What came next was something I never dreamed would happen to me. The part about the ultrasound techs.. so true. Ours didn’t say a word the entire time and all I wanted to hear was my tiny babies heartbeat. It was gut wrenching. It definitely is not a day long process. I labored for several hours. Most excruciating pain of my life both physically and mentally. I was having contractions to basically expel what what was left of my baby. I still ended up needing a D&C as well to make sure “there were no traces of the embryo left inside me.” And what is worse, on the paperwork they label it as an abortion. AN ABORTION! As if I willingly ended my child’s life. Someone tell me how that isn’t messed up. What mother wants to see abortion on her paperwork after involuntary losing her child? That part made me very livid. I bled for a good 17 days after. The physical healing goes away but the emotional and mental healing is a forever long process. It’s been almost a year and I still think about the child who isn’t with us this Christmas. I also wanted to add that I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with our amazing little boy. If it can happen for me it can definitely happen for you. Pregnancy after loss is 9 months of anxiety. 9 months of wondering is what your feeling is “normal”. 9 months of going to the doctor or ER to get checked out because your cramping or spotting or you haven’t felt the baby kick. It’s incredibly hard to bond with the baby in your womb when all you can do is worry you’ll lose this one too. It’s a lot of fear, but i can tell you it’s all going to be worth it when I hold my rainbow baby in my arms for the first time. I pray that you too get your rainbow. And when you do, know that there is support out there for mamas of loss. You’ll need it! Trust me!
Crystal, I’m so glad you posted this and told us more about your story. I HATE that they wrote abortion, and I can definitely see how that would be incredibly upsetting. I would have been a mess — as if we aren’t already a mess after all we’ve been through! I didn’t have to have a D&C, but I ended up bleeding for almost four weeks. It was such a long process, but I do think it helped me heal emotionally and get closure because it took so long. I am SO very happy to hear that you are expecting a rainbow baby soon! You’ll be happy to hear that so am I! I am 28 weeks right now with a little girl. Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy and baby for you!
I would have been 3 months along with twins this Christmas after trying to get pregnant for 2 years. Twins have always been my secret dream. But we found out at 7 weeks that both were anembryonic or blighted ova. The doctor also was concerned that I had a molar pregnancy, something I had never even heard of. Because of this I had to have a d&c immediately, which ended up being on thanksgiving day. I’m not sure I will be able to feel thankful on that day ever again. We had planned on sharing our good news with our families at Christmas, but instead my husband and I found ourselves unable to face the holidays with family. I have 8 girl cousins and every single one has at least one baby under the age of 4 right now, two just announced they are pregnant again. I am the only female in the family without a child. We just couldn’t handle seeing all those babies at Christmas, so we decided to skip the holidays this year. Unfortunately my grandfather passed away the day after Christmas and obviously we have to go to the services, which are tomorrow and Friday. At least all of the family will attribute my hysterical sobbing (which is imminent I am sure) as grief for my grandfather. Sometimes life just sucks. And it has been 5 weeks since my d&c and still no period. The bitter pessimist in me is sure it will appear over the next two days and send me over the edge. How do we survive these things AND chance it happening again and again. To every mother out there who has gone through this more than once, I don’t know how you do it.
Oh Sara, I am so very sorry for all of your losses. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be right in the midst of the holidays. We had a death in our family just a couple days after my miscarriage, and it was difficult traveling home and going to the services. It was strange to sit at a funeral knowing my baby wouldn’t get a funeral or burial. I hope that for you, it brings some type of closure. I hope that your family is supportive and caring, and I pray that your rainbow baby (or babies) will be coming soon.
I had a miscarriage four days ago, and am still having bleeding and mild cramping. I was all alone when it happened, and my husband, who was at work at the time, says to me every day since then how badly he feels not being there. I was lying on the couch and felt this rush of fluid and immediately knew what was happening, which is weird, because I have never had one before. I ran into the bathroom and my clothes were soaked in wetness tinged with blood. I found out later that this was my water that broke. Then I sat on the toilet and called my husband and was crying through all the clots and blood I was wiping from myself. He was assuredly freaking out, but was also telling me to stay calm. About two minutes later, I saw what I can only imagine was the baby. It was gray and lifeless in my hands and it was the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. I can’t get the image out of my head. My parents rushed over and stayed with me until my husband got home and he and I went to the hospital the next day to find out what happened. The weirdest part is that it literally took about ten minutes for me to have the miscarriage, and I felt no pain whatsoever. It just dispelled from me and that was it. Later my husband said that he thought it was shock and that’s why it appeared painless to me. I imagine that’s what happened. But it was just…gone. I had this little life in me and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. The experience at the hospital was horrible, because of how painful the vaginal ultrasound and the pelvic exam were. It definitely isn’t the magical experience that it sounds like on tv. But I too did not realize how many women have suffered from this as well. And that part does bring me calm, but it also brings me fear, because now I don’t want me to become a common statistic who has this happen to them repeatedly. I am afraid to try again. I feel guilt for not trying harder in the twelve weeks I knew this child. I feel guilt for not feeling pregnant anymore. I feel guilt for wanting to move out of where we live because it only brings me pain. I feel guilt for crying all the time and getting mad at my sweet husband about everything. I don’t know what to do. I apologize for how long this post is, but it feels cathartic to talk about it. I pray that no one else has to feel this pain. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Laura, I am so very sorry. It sounds like it was such a traumatic experience, and I believe your husband is right — you didn’t feel any pain because you were in shock. I’m so glad your parents were able to be there with you and that your husband is taking good care of you. I understand a lot of the guilt you are feeling, but please don’t blame yourself. You have absolutely no reason to feel any guilt. I hope that you will find someone to talk to — even a counselor if possible or perhaps a support group locally or online. If it helps to talk about it, then keep talking about it. The pain needs to be released somehow. I so very much agree Laura — I wish no one else had to experience pregnancy loss.
I just recently had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. We waited until 12 weeks to tell everyone the news (I’d had an ultrasound the evening before announcing). I went back 1 week later to have an ultrasound done to check for downs, and my baby’s heart had stopped beating. I totally understand the pain of announcing and having to tell everyone the worst news possible a week later. It’s a personal hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I have found that the grief comes and goes. Seeing mommies with new babies or pregnant women causes me to hurt down to my core. I have to look away in order to keep the tears at bay.
I’m sorry you also had to experience the same thing.
Tiffany, I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes, having to share the bad news so soon after sharing such good news is heartbreaking. I hope that you are able to find healing both physically and emotionally over the next few months.
All I can say is THANK YOU for sharing. As I read each point you touched on I kept thinking “yes…..yes….yes….and yes…”. I have experienced each and every bit of this and it helps to hear about others struggles with overcoming this insane thing that life throws at you. I think it is up to women going through this to lean on each other and to know that they are not alone. It is an extremely hard thing to go through and the emptiness and loneliness you feel (even if you are surrounded by supportive people) is indescribable. I really don’t think anyone can quite understand it unless they go through it themselves. Last weekend was 2 years since I had my D&C which took place 2 days after I was told my baby had no heartbeat. I had experienced a silent miscarriage. I walked around for weeks thinking my baby was fine, and the guilt I felt for not knowing was terrible. I didn’t cry until I had to speak the words out loud. I called my husband (who had to work on the day of that appointment) and I just broke. Even two years later I am TERRIFIED for when we try again… I am so afraid of going through it again and I keep questioning “what if it happens again…what if I cannot actually stay pregnant..?”. Thank you for being a brave voice and sharing the process you went through.
Ashley, I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry to hear that you are terrified of when you try again. I get it, though. Trying again is scary and getting a positive test is scary. And every ultrasound afterward is scary. I got pregnant again after this miscarriage, and I was so terrified for that first ultrasound that I got sick that morning. It wasn’t morning sickness – it was scared sickness! But now, we are due with our rainbow baby any day now. So there is hope. I hope that you focus on the hope and the happiness and the joy rather than the fear and the grief.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss. I read this and knew so much of what you meant, it is one of those clubs you would never request to be in but all the comments and support people show is actually overwhelming. I hope you and all the others who have replied are ok. I lost my baby at 12 weeks and those words when I heard I am so sorry, will never leave. It is a comfort though when you you know others have experienced although I am so sorry for all of your losses
I have been blown away by the number of comments on this post. I hope that everyone who finds it will read the comments too and realize they are not alone. Sorry for your loss Emily.