To My Pregnant Friend After My Miscarriage

I have several friends who have recently announced their pregnancies. Others who are right in the middle of the pregnant happiness — gender reveal parties and baby showers. I have other friends who have recently had precious, beautiful babies. This post is for them.

A Letter to My Pregnant Friend … After My Miscarriage

Do you know how happy it makes me to see your belly grow? Do you know how much I love your little baby? Even in the midst of my own pain, I love to see your joy. I love seeing you happy and healthy and full of life.

I know it’s hard for you. You don’t know what to share or whether to share at all. You don’t want to say the wrong thing to me. I know you don’t want to hurt me. I know it will be awkward at times.

I also know that sometimes it is going to hurt. It’s not because I don’t want you to be happy. It’s not that I’m angry with you or even jealous. It’s only that sometimes I will be reminded of what I lost. And that makes me sad. I’m sad for what I lost — my own little baby and all my dreams for that pregnancy and baby — but I’m also sad that we are even in this strange situation. Sad that sitting at your baby shower is hard for me. Sad that instead of being fully present and joyful for you in this time, I also have to experience pain and questioning about what I’ve been through.

But that doesn’t ever mean that I don’t want you to hang out with me or show me photos or share your journey with me. There may be times when I need my space to heal, yes, but most of the time I don’t want things to change. I don’t want you to shut me out for the mere reason of trying not to hurt me. Treat me the way you normally would, maybe just with an extra dose of sensitivity.

A quote from Shauna Niequist reminds us to rejoice with others who are rejoicing and mourn with those who are mourning, and I love how she talks about how hard that can be sometimes.

“That’s why it’s hard, I think, to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. I love that line from the Bible, but it’s so incredibly difficult sometimes, because when you’ve got reason to rejoice, you forget what it’s like to mourn, even if you swear you never will. And because when you’re mourning, the fact that someone close to you is rejoicing seems like a personal affront.” — Shauna Niequist in Bittersweet

Sometimes it may hurt to see the photos of your growing belly. Sometimes it will hurt to hold your newborn. But what would hurt so much more is to not get to be a part of your journey, to not see the photos or meet your new baby. Not being included, not being a part of your life — that would hurt even more.

So even though it’s awkward at times, can we just be open about it all?

I’ll tell you when it hurts and I need to cry. You tell me you’re sorry for what I’ve lost.

I’ll tell you how happy I am to find out if it’s a boy or girl. You tell me when the baby smiles for the first time.

I know it will be tough finding the balance. But let’s try, okay? I want to rejoice with you in this time. And I hope you will love me through my heartbreak.

“I believe deeply that God does his best work in our lives during times of great heartbreak and loss, and I believe that much of that rich work is done by the hands of people who love us, who dive into the wreckage with us and show us who God is, over and over and over.” — Shauna Niequist

I hope that you will dive into my wreckage with me so that God can use you to do His best work in me right here in the middle of my loss. And I will try my hardest to dive into your journey of parenthood so God can use me to bless you and remind you not to take a single second for granted.

Our stories may be different. But may we learn from one another and grow together as we share — the devastating heartbreaks and the overwhelming joys.

What would you say to a pregnant friend after you’ve experienced a miscarriage? What do they need to know?

If you are going through a miscarriage, or perhaps you have a friend going through one and you’d like to know how to help, I encourage you to read my eBook — Miscarriage & Mourning: Encouragement after Pregnancy Loss.