I woke up early and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. I did my normal morning routine, and ate my bowl of cereal on the couch while watching the Today Show. I’m normally not up and watching the 8 am hour of the show, but thanks to my early rising I got to see the co-hosts Matt and Savannah bringing me the news.
And then out of nowhere, she announced it. I wasn’t expecting it, and neither were the other hosts of the show. Savannah pulled the paper from the fish bowl and asked, “Are you pregnant?” Her answer was yes. Everyone cheered and asked questions.
And my heart sank.
I turned on the couch, clutching the throw blanket, and I let the tears come. Once again, someone is pregnant. And I’m not.
When the Pregnancy Announcements Aren’t Yours
Please don’t get me wrong. I am very happy for Savannah and every other person who has been documenting their pregnancies and birth on social media (is it just me or does it seem like it’s literally everyone?) I would never ever wish anything bad on them. It’s not the type of jealousy where I wish I could take away their joy. It’s just that I would like some too. I want them to have the happiest and healthiest pregnancies and babies. I am so thankful that they aren’t where I am.
But the fact that I’m not where they are — it hurts. I’ll be honest with you, I’ve been struggling with feeling jealousy or anger at every announcement lately, especially ones where the pregnancy was accidental. This wasn’t a big problem after my miscarriage like you may think. I wrote a post called To My Pregnant Friend After My Miscarriage, and I meant every word of it.
But just in the past few weeks, it has gotten much harder to see so many pregnancy announcements and updates and babies being born.
It’s like each time I see another announcement or another photo of a newborn baby, I get poked. Sometimes, it’s a light poke and I barely feel it. Other times, though, it’s a hard poke that hurts. And when you get poked in the same spot over and over, that spot begins to get tender, bruised, and sore. Eventually, even the soft pokes begin to hurt.
I know that God knows best, and His timing is best. But I can’t help but want what I want when I want it. It’s a constant battle to let go and trust God.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. – Psalm 27:14
After my miscarriage, I was really struggling with trusting God. Eventually, it came to a point where I realized I just had to proclaim my trust in God, even in the midst of total pain. Even in the doubts. Even in the questions.
And I did. I sat there at my kitchen table with my Bible open and I said it out loud, “I trust You God.” The song “Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle became my anthem. I would play it on repeat basically every day, proclaiming my trust in God in the shower, at my desk, while making dinner, in the car. I proclaimed with my lips until my heart finally caught up. And the clouds began to part and some sunshine poured through.
That was a couple months ago. And after listening to the Today Show announce over and over the good news of Savannah’s pregnancy, I realized I needed to proclaim my trust in Him again. Because it doesn’t matter how many people I “unfollow” on Facebook, more and more pregnancies just keep popping up — even on my morning newscast. I will keep getting poked, and only God can heal that bruise.
So here I sit at my computer in my little home office. I can hear the TV on in the living room, and morning light pours in through the window. And I proclaim, out loud, “God, I trust in You.”
I trust Him. Even in the waiting. Even with a bruised spot that keeps getting poked.
“I still trust You.” And I will proclaim it again and again until my heart catches up.
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life. – Psalm 143:8
I pull up the video. Hit play. And sing my heart out. Again.
The Lord is my strength and my defense; He has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my father’s God, and I will exalt Him. – Exodus 15:2
You may like these posts:
- Waiting for Morning: A Glimpse into my Heart Break
- When You are Drowning
- When You’re Right in the Midst of It
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If you have suffered a miscarriage, you may want to order my eBook called Miscarriage & Mourning: Encouragement after Pregnancy Loss.
I can completely relate with you Tiffany! Everything you just said touched me because you mirror my thoughts and feelings. I’m happy for everyone who is expecting but just really sad for myself. Think and praying for you my dear. God is good and his promise will be for filled.
Dawn recently posted…Yes, I’m jealous: How I cope with pregnancy jealousy
Thank you for the prayers Dawn. I know you are feeling it too. I’m sending prayers your way as well!
Aw girl, I’m sending you lots of hugs. I had two early term miscarriages and I vividly remember the “pokes” I felt after I’d see yet another pregnancy announcement. My heart goes out to you but I LOVE how you’re leaning on the Lord at this time.
Couldn’t get through it without Him! 🙂
I love your strength. Trust in the Lord. Thank you for being brave and speaking what so many have felt but not had the courage or voice to share. It is okay to feel the hurt and the anger, they to are part of the healing process. Lean on Christ in all moments. He will hold you.
Thank you <3
Amen. Praying for all you ladies today.
I wanted to thank you for your post on miscarriage. I lost a baby last week at 6 weeks. I had felt like something was wrong from the moment I found out that I was pregnant and when I had started bleeding the following week I knew he was gone. When they told me I miscarried honestly I was relieved because my intuition told me something wasn’t right and I never really felt pregnant but after the bleeding and cramps went on for days and finally seeing that I was actually pregnant and that I wasn’t going to have a baby in 9 months is when it became difficult. The fear of losing another one or never being able to carry a baby to full term is terrifying. I will be praying for you and hope you will soon have your rainbow baby.
Kara, I am so very sorry to hear this. I hope that you are able to find healing in the midst of heartbreaking loss. I understand that fear you speak of. Every month, I know I will either be disappointed for a lack of pregnancy or scared for the loss of pregnancy. But all we can do is trust God. Over and over. Even in the pain.
I’ve been there. I had two miscarriages back to back with my first marriage. My sister in law (at the time) got pregnant shortly after I did the first time. Her pregnancy was perfect and mine ended. She gave birth the same week I experienced my second miscarriage. It was a lot to handle and I felt terrible that I wasn’t even slightly happy for her. People don’t know the pain unless they experience it.
Oh Kara, that sounds awful. I imagine that was very very painful. It is very hard to “rejoice with those who rejoice” when we are right in the midst of our own mourning.
We thought our family was complete until, almost 8 years after our last baby, we found ourselves pregnant. After the initial shock wore off, we began to prepare for this little life. At 12 weeks, 5 days an ultrasound revealed his heart had stopped. We just didn’t understand the surprise, miracle pregnancy and then the loss. We consoled ourselves with the idea of trusting fully in God, his goodness and perfect timing, and of getting pregnant again.
Here we are 10 months later, without a positive pregnancy test. We believe that God did a miracle in creating our son, and we believe he can do it again. But, the waiting. Oh, the waiting hurts. We don’t understand where God is taking us but we trust fully in Him.
Thanks for sharing scriptures to help with the hurt.
Brooke, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby never makes sense, and that’s part of the pain of it — it just doesn’t make sense. I reminded myself that even if I knew “why” it wouldn’t take the pain away. The waiting is definitely difficult, especially when it seems so many other don’t have any waiting or struggles. Keep trusting Brooke. It can be so hard to do so, but keep trusting.
Thank you so much for posting this with such honesty and heartfelt words. I relate on so many levels. My sister-in-law gave birth to my niece less than 24 hours after I miscarried and one of my closest friends announced her pregnancy less than a week after. You’re so right about feeling like you’re getting poked. It feels like being kicked when you’re already down. I’m trying my hardest to put my trust in God regardless of the heartbreak but it is certainly a challenge. Thank you for giving me inspiration and hope for the future!
Emily recently posted…A Lazy Girl’s Nightly Skincare Routine
Emily, I’m so sorry for your loss. And you’re right it hurts even more when those around you are getting what you lost. Yet, you want to be happy for them so that adds in guilt for being upset. It’s just not a good situation. I hope that you find peace as you put your trust in God’s timing and healing. I hope you will be announcing your own pregnancy soon!
Whew, I stumbled on your blog after reading and searching out miscarriage posts on blogs….you know…it becomes the thing to do when you miscarry, it’s strange to seek these posts out but it literally is the only thing that comforts me when I fall into my low moments. I miscarried in October and some days I’m okay and then I have not so okay days. I can’t even believe your words in this post, I felt the EXACT same way when Savannah announced her second pregnancy and I feel the EXACT way you do on the rest. This has by far been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. It breaks my heart that anyone has had to go through this but like I said, the only thing that’s comforted me is posts like this. I’m so happy for you being pregnant now….I pray the same is in store for me this year. Thank you for your openness on this blog, you definitely gained a new follower today.
Erica, I’m so sorry for your loss. Although, I’m glad you were able to find my blog and find comfort in it, I hate that it’s under these circumstances! I, too, found so much comfort in hearing the stories of others. There’s just something about knowing you aren’t alone. I am praying that you will soon have yourself a rainbow baby!
tiffany,
i want to thank you for your post. i had a miscarriage last year and i have been impatiently waiting for God to bless us and it hasnt happened. i thought i was doing good and i was trusting God and moving forward and then on easter it felt like everyone was announcing their pregnancies and it was like a punch in the gut all over again. i found your post on pinterest and it gave me hope to keep trusting in God and that he has a plan. thanks again and God Bless! 🙂
I’m sorry for your loss, and sorry to hear you are still in the waiting period. Hang in there, girl. Keep trusting Him.